01-20-2013, 05:42 AM
I've always planned on writing this
Although its been over a year.
"Although it's been over a year".... And you have to consider that you have "always" been doing something that's only been "over a year". Though people say that kind of stuff, so let it slide.
Now I must admit the guilt I've felt,
Perhaps afraid of what I might hear.
"Perhaps" doesn't seem right. It's obvious you're afraid. And you should be. Girls are tricky.
Those many nights and days ago
Although I've tried to forget,
Creep upon me now in my land of snow
With ghostly whispers of regret.
It doesn't flow so well. And you need a comma after "ago" because of the next line.
Our locale was the infinite blue horizon,
Whose untold beauty I embraced,
And my ultimate goal was to convince you
That your trust in me was not misplaced.
Your locale was the infinite blue horizon?
With a triumphant grin I scaled the rocks,
Beseeching the gods of the sea,
But there you were 30 feet ashore
Worrying about my wellbeing.
What were you beseeching them about? Which gods? It might not be important; but I was wondering if you considered these things.
You were afraid of the might of the ocean,
Of the waves and prehistoric sharks.
I pushed you past your boundaries
With lush fantasies of underwater meadowlarks.
Tweeting and singing and brightening the depths,
Upon your heart I wished to leave my mark,
Because when faced with undeniable truths like love
The universe is bare and stark.
Them sharks live a long time I guess. Maybe she's afraid of the archetypal sharks. The subject of getting her to trust you enough to follow you into the ocean and the subject of the undeniable truth of love are getting muddled. It might be one vast metaphor for the ocean of love, but I feel it literally about the ocean.
So I pushed you past your boundaries
There was nowhere for you to hide.
And with your strong reluctance
You allowed me to be your guide.
So towards the murky ocean we went
Towards the very place you loathed.
Unless she loathed love, you see? And maybe she did.
I promised I would fend off the prehistoric sharks
If they snuck up on us while we roved.
Grabbing my arm for support
As wet sand sunk beneath our feet,
I was determined to help you conquer
The fears which made you admit defeat.
And although you wouldn't go
Further than ankle-deep,
I felt as though I had been your guide
Climbing the summit of a mountain most steep.
The rhythm and rhyme aren't very good. You might have said that in your introduction. I don't remember. But you can work on that. And there are other things that, hopefully, others will point out.
Although its been over a year.
"Although it's been over a year".... And you have to consider that you have "always" been doing something that's only been "over a year". Though people say that kind of stuff, so let it slide.
Now I must admit the guilt I've felt,
Perhaps afraid of what I might hear.
"Perhaps" doesn't seem right. It's obvious you're afraid. And you should be. Girls are tricky.
Those many nights and days ago
Although I've tried to forget,
Creep upon me now in my land of snow
With ghostly whispers of regret.
It doesn't flow so well. And you need a comma after "ago" because of the next line.
Our locale was the infinite blue horizon,
Whose untold beauty I embraced,
And my ultimate goal was to convince you
That your trust in me was not misplaced.
Your locale was the infinite blue horizon?
With a triumphant grin I scaled the rocks,
Beseeching the gods of the sea,
But there you were 30 feet ashore
Worrying about my wellbeing.
What were you beseeching them about? Which gods? It might not be important; but I was wondering if you considered these things.
You were afraid of the might of the ocean,
Of the waves and prehistoric sharks.
I pushed you past your boundaries
With lush fantasies of underwater meadowlarks.
Tweeting and singing and brightening the depths,
Upon your heart I wished to leave my mark,
Because when faced with undeniable truths like love
The universe is bare and stark.
Them sharks live a long time I guess. Maybe she's afraid of the archetypal sharks. The subject of getting her to trust you enough to follow you into the ocean and the subject of the undeniable truth of love are getting muddled. It might be one vast metaphor for the ocean of love, but I feel it literally about the ocean.
So I pushed you past your boundaries
There was nowhere for you to hide.
And with your strong reluctance
You allowed me to be your guide.
So towards the murky ocean we went
Towards the very place you loathed.
Unless she loathed love, you see? And maybe she did.
I promised I would fend off the prehistoric sharks
If they snuck up on us while we roved.
Grabbing my arm for support
As wet sand sunk beneath our feet,
I was determined to help you conquer
The fears which made you admit defeat.
And although you wouldn't go
Further than ankle-deep,
I felt as though I had been your guide
Climbing the summit of a mountain most steep.
The rhythm and rhyme aren't very good. You might have said that in your introduction. I don't remember. But you can work on that. And there are other things that, hopefully, others will point out.