Narrow Divide

[monablackbird]

My second post and first poem on the forum. Been dabbling with poetry for some time now, mostly fun little rhymes to make people laugh but some more serious stuff as well although it feels somewhat crude, hoping for some feedback and to develop further.

So close, I can see you clear -maybe cut the can
A step or two and we'll be near
The silent stream our divide
Seems, a few feet wide - not sure you need a comma here

I take a step, and another still
But the stream begins to fill
Not so calm, and not so narrow
It's a river, through my hart an arrow - is this supposed to be heart? or is it the animal hart?

It's foaming now, a wild wind blows
Like the stream, already knows - comma?
I must reach the other side
Pure emotion my only guide

But I am weak, all hope is lost
My arms and legs like winters frost - like this part
One last image, a sweet goodbye
Your smile, your face, before I die

Maybe cut some "ands" and think about putting periods or just removing some of the commas to improve the flow. Also think about some of the words used that might seem like they could use a punch. Emotion, for example, is a generic sort of word that doesn't tell us what's being felt really - only that there is a feeling. An old writing adage is "show don't tell". As an example:

It's foaming now
Feral winds blow
The stream, I think
Already knows
I can reach the other side
Pulsing blood my only guide

This is not a suggestion above but just an idea of the endless possibilities. There's some good stuff to work with here that you could have some fun editing and playing around with. Thanks very much for the read and I hope to see more.