01-18-2013, 06:23 AM
I really like the 'purpose' of this poem (for want of a better word). But some of the wording seems to go against it. 'Syncopated sight'? 'Nuclear flame'? and 'a thousand light-years'? I am not certain these are the best choice of words. They sound a little like a struggle to sound profound. A struggle and ultimately produce the opposite effect (but it happens - especially when writing about love or death).
*a struggle that ultimately produces the opposite effect.
*a struggle that ultimately produces the opposite effect.