Nostalgia

[monablackbird]

Here's another poem that is becoming more and more frustrating to finish. I am still working on a few more stanzas. I am not pleased with this one at all but I figured some constructive insight might turn this beast into a beauty.

Diverted eyes tell a story that's been told a thousand times before,
Insignificance measured in shady expressions and ambiguous excuses,
Suspended in a state of perpetual ambivalence somewhere between happiness and sorrow,

This first block is a bit wordy. There's also some redundancy with "ambivalence" and then the basic definition of ambivalence with "somewhere between happiness and sorrow".

"Minstrel eyes tell same old fairy tale lies
Worthiness weighed by cloudy dishwater stares
Hanged on my hook of perpetual ambivalence"

That's just something I came up with off the cuff and they're only thoughts and ideas for you to bounce around.



Abandoned,

Left isolated in a world full of familiar faces,
Branded with an immutable crosshair on my back, --- I think it might be interesting here to give the crosshair a bit more weight. Maybe by calling it "a demon crosshair" or a "two ton crosshair" or something like that.
And all I got was this T-shirt, --- love this and how it's kind of colloquial

Oh just take me back to the start, --- Take me back to the blocks (or gate or springboard)
I was just a boy and you were just a girl, --- More description might punch this up. What kind of boy? What kind of girl?
Two people thrown into the never ending treadmill they call real life, --- I like what you're saying here and would play around more with the treadmill idea. Or maybe with other things that keep going or spinning endlessly.
Chasing the elusive dream of happiness like a carrot on a stick, --- also redundant. the carrot on a stick already says elusive and it's a little cliche.

There's some good stuff to work with here and lines I found inspirational to think about. I can't wait to read an edit and see how it shapes up.

Best,
Mona