01-17-2013, 02:57 PM
Hey Josh,
"Diverted eyes tell a story that's been told a thousand times before,
Insignificance measured in shady expressions and ambiguous excuses,
Suspended in a state of perpetual ambivalence somewhere between happiness and sorrow,"
^^This to me reads differently than the rest of the poem (cutting out some of the words would help with that). I believe this could be a stronger ending rather than an introduction, which is what this sorta feels like. It has the overall emotions that you want to convey, so it would work as an ending and let the poem tell the story. (my opinion of course)
"Abandoned" isn't needed because it's something a reader can assume from previous lines.
"Left isolated in a world full of familiar faces,"---this is vague and cliche..."world" could mean anything and everything, what does it mean to you? what does familiar faces mean to you?
"Branded with an immutable crosshair on my back,
And all I got was this T-shirt,"-----I like this line, it's sarcastic and resentful and it can also connect to being "branded" which is also nice
(The second stanza could work as the first, to me that's where it begins)
"Oh just take me back to the start,"---cliche. it seems to be an important line because it dives into what use to be, but can be expressed differently?
"call real life,"---what's real life?
Like Brandon said, this has potential. I think what you're stuck on is trying to get all the emotions out but leaving the reasoning behind those emotions vague. It reads like a story of boy meets girl, boy loses girl and boy looks back, so stories need time to build instead of just laying it all out there at once and hoping the reader will get it. It has a lot going for it, it just needs to be developed more in what you already have. Can't wait to read it when you're done.
"Diverted eyes tell a story that's been told a thousand times before,
Insignificance measured in shady expressions and ambiguous excuses,
Suspended in a state of perpetual ambivalence somewhere between happiness and sorrow,"
^^This to me reads differently than the rest of the poem (cutting out some of the words would help with that). I believe this could be a stronger ending rather than an introduction, which is what this sorta feels like. It has the overall emotions that you want to convey, so it would work as an ending and let the poem tell the story. (my opinion of course)
"Abandoned" isn't needed because it's something a reader can assume from previous lines.
"Left isolated in a world full of familiar faces,"---this is vague and cliche..."world" could mean anything and everything, what does it mean to you? what does familiar faces mean to you?
"Branded with an immutable crosshair on my back,
And all I got was this T-shirt,"-----I like this line, it's sarcastic and resentful and it can also connect to being "branded" which is also nice
(The second stanza could work as the first, to me that's where it begins)
"Oh just take me back to the start,"---cliche. it seems to be an important line because it dives into what use to be, but can be expressed differently?
"call real life,"---what's real life?
Like Brandon said, this has potential. I think what you're stuck on is trying to get all the emotions out but leaving the reasoning behind those emotions vague. It reads like a story of boy meets girl, boy loses girl and boy looks back, so stories need time to build instead of just laying it all out there at once and hoping the reader will get it. It has a lot going for it, it just needs to be developed more in what you already have. Can't wait to read it when you're done.