Nostalgia

[brandontoh]

Here's another poem that is becoming more and more frustrating to finish. I am still working on a few more stanzas. I am not pleased with this one at all but I figured some constructive insight might turn this beast into a beauty.

Diverted eyes tell a story that's been told a thousand times before,
Insignificance measured in shady expressions and ambiguous excuses,
Suspended in a state of perpetual ambivalence somewhere between happiness and sorrow,

The first stanza is a little too wordy for my taste. Try to cut down the excess. For example,

Diverted eyes, the same old song again.
Vague emotions, unclear reasons,
Glaring insignificance.
Neither happy nor sorrowful,
But it's no apathy.

Well I feel like I've reworded it a little too much, but you know, cut down some words here and there from the original, and it'll flow way better, especially in relation to the rest of the poem.


Abandoned,

Left isolated in a world full of familiar faces,
Branded with an immutable crosshair on my back,
And all I got was this T-shirt,

'Abandoned' can be removed. Instead, try moving isolated up.

Isolated.

In world of familiar faces,
Immutable crosshair on my back --- I feel that immutable and branded serves the same purpose.
And all I got was this T-shirt.

Once again, it's about cutting the excess.

Oh just take me back to the start,
I was just a boy and you were just a girl,
Two people thrown into the never ending treadmill they call real life,
Chasing the elusive dream of happiness like a carrot on a stick,

Here too, is where I'd cut the excess, and I'll not reword this stanza, because I feel that I've gone overboard already. For example, the second line can be simplified to "I a boy, you a girl" or something like that. The third line, "Both thrown on life's relentless treadmill".

I like the idea of this poem, and there's definitely potential there. Hope I'm of help.