01-16-2013, 01:05 PM
I think it's good that you pared it down, because the previous version was wordy and sounded like prose in spots.
Now, I understand this is about an abortion, but if I try to read it "fresh", and pretend I've never seen the poem and never read the above comments, I find myself confused about the initial scene. The reader has to read all the way to line 10 before we know it's about a "child", and even then it's not specifically a fetus or a baby.
Since the poem is a narrative of sorts, before you can go into how the narrator feels about what's going on, you need to do some extra scene setup so a better context is formed in the reader's mind. Otherwise, the reader uses up mental horsepower trying to conjure a coherent scene rather than emoting along with the narrator.
So without saying abortion, you need to provide some associated images. Just shutting my eyes and imagining, I can see: a masked doctor with a stainless steel claw, bare legs in metal stirrups, harsh lights pointed at private places, etc. Very clinical. Then after the "procedure", the fetus/baby is whisked away, leaving no time for she/it and the mother to be alone together. So the final image probably needs to be revised too, if you mean they are alone together.
Long story short- in my opinion, strengthen the narrative beginning and ending with concrete imagery that sets the context, then work on the middle.
Now, I understand this is about an abortion, but if I try to read it "fresh", and pretend I've never seen the poem and never read the above comments, I find myself confused about the initial scene. The reader has to read all the way to line 10 before we know it's about a "child", and even then it's not specifically a fetus or a baby.
Since the poem is a narrative of sorts, before you can go into how the narrator feels about what's going on, you need to do some extra scene setup so a better context is formed in the reader's mind. Otherwise, the reader uses up mental horsepower trying to conjure a coherent scene rather than emoting along with the narrator.
So without saying abortion, you need to provide some associated images. Just shutting my eyes and imagining, I can see: a masked doctor with a stainless steel claw, bare legs in metal stirrups, harsh lights pointed at private places, etc. Very clinical. Then after the "procedure", the fetus/baby is whisked away, leaving no time for she/it and the mother to be alone together. So the final image probably needs to be revised too, if you mean they are alone together.
Long story short- in my opinion, strengthen the narrative beginning and ending with concrete imagery that sets the context, then work on the middle.