i think the what a mess lines work. not sure of the title though.
the 1st stanza isn't too bad. the 2nd has two whopping cliches in it that could be swapped out without much effort. same in the last stanza. structure, (did you mean layout) it looks okay. the first lines of each stanza work fairly well. i think the most important thing to sort out are the cliche.
good effort
thanks for the read.
the 1st stanza isn't too bad. the 2nd has two whopping cliches in it that could be swapped out without much effort. same in the last stanza. structure, (did you mean layout) it looks okay. the first lines of each stanza work fairly well. i think the most important thing to sort out are the cliche.
good effort
thanks for the read.
(01-16-2013, 11:52 AM)earlymorningnoises Wrote: I tried to structure this more. Any advice?