01-11-2013, 07:23 PM
I agree with the above comments. And will reiterate that it should possibly be made more tangible.
I would add, the look of the poem is quite ugly, but as it is supposed to be a letter, what can you do? If it was me I would drop the idea of it being a letter and tidy it up with some line breaks.
And again, as Billy said, the "Do I be…" is a bit silly. You suddenly turn into Ali G for a moment. And it is a shame because these lines are actually very good. I would maybe, "Should I be selfish? Or give her Life? Should I tell them to prepare the knife?"
I would also suggest maybe changing the word 'crazy' it feels too light. Maybe 'odd' would be better, it still conveys the sense but doesn’t sound as ditsy.
But, also there is something honestly touching about it. I nearly cried at the line, "I could tell them to take it out and let her rot. Or I can make the choice everyone forgot. And let her live." In fact, just reading it again made my eyes water.
I too like the lines, "Only I can save her. Only I can grave her. But in my arms, will she be any safer?" I was a bit skeptical about using 'grave' as a verb at first, but now I see it really works. And personally I wouldn’t be able to resist omitting the 'any', it seems unnecessary.
I would add, the look of the poem is quite ugly, but as it is supposed to be a letter, what can you do? If it was me I would drop the idea of it being a letter and tidy it up with some line breaks.
And again, as Billy said, the "Do I be…" is a bit silly. You suddenly turn into Ali G for a moment. And it is a shame because these lines are actually very good. I would maybe, "Should I be selfish? Or give her Life? Should I tell them to prepare the knife?"
I would also suggest maybe changing the word 'crazy' it feels too light. Maybe 'odd' would be better, it still conveys the sense but doesn’t sound as ditsy.
But, also there is something honestly touching about it. I nearly cried at the line, "I could tell them to take it out and let her rot. Or I can make the choice everyone forgot. And let her live." In fact, just reading it again made my eyes water.
I too like the lines, "Only I can save her. Only I can grave her. But in my arms, will she be any safer?" I was a bit skeptical about using 'grave' as a verb at first, but now I see it really works. And personally I wouldn’t be able to resist omitting the 'any', it seems unnecessary.