01-07-2013, 03:02 PM
Welcome Destiny!
I love the second stanza, it's a good way to describe how someone feels disconnected from other people and themselves, excellent job!
"Trying so hard/always falling down"---it's an overused expression, a cliche
"knots of complication"--I like that, I can see complications being knots, it gets your point across very clearly
"Loosing" in stanza 6 should be losing
"I love you meaning nothing"---another cliche, can this be worded different?
I think you got something here, this is very promising. All the emotions can be felt and they're clear, they just need to be expressed with originality.
I love the second stanza, it's a good way to describe how someone feels disconnected from other people and themselves, excellent job!
"Trying so hard/always falling down"---it's an overused expression, a cliche
"knots of complication"--I like that, I can see complications being knots, it gets your point across very clearly
"Loosing" in stanza 6 should be losing
"I love you meaning nothing"---another cliche, can this be worded different?
I think you got something here, this is very promising. All the emotions can be felt and they're clear, they just need to be expressed with originality.