12-30-2012, 02:13 PM
I like the inspiration you have taken from the haiku form - I think the images here are clear and they definitely pack a punch 
my favourite lines would have to be:
as alley cats drip howling heat
and
an apple falls to autumn's applause
- the first for the vivid image, and the second for the effective alliteration.
The pairing of the natural images with the concept of describing the ebb and flow of money is creative, and I think you have done it well.
My only nitpick here would be that the two lines that are my favourites (funnily enough) - seem to be too long, compared to the other lines, to fit into their respective stanzas smoothly. Maybe you could have another look at the syllables as cidermaid suggested?
As a whole though, I enjoyed this piece quite a bit
my favourite lines would have to be:as alley cats drip howling heat
and
an apple falls to autumn's applause
- the first for the vivid image, and the second for the effective alliteration.
The pairing of the natural images with the concept of describing the ebb and flow of money is creative, and I think you have done it well.
My only nitpick here would be that the two lines that are my favourites (funnily enough) - seem to be too long, compared to the other lines, to fit into their respective stanzas smoothly. Maybe you could have another look at the syllables as cidermaid suggested?
As a whole though, I enjoyed this piece quite a bit