12-29-2012, 04:46 PM
on first read i feel some rhythmic issues that look easy to resolve. The one that stands out the most was the 12th stanza. the first line is half a beat short, you've got "The brewery, they never lose," might i suggest changing that to, The brewery, they would never lose. or The brewery that they never lose, that is of course if you pronounce brewery with two syllables. The last line of stanza 12 also felt a tad awkward you've got "to pay up, put up or soon close" I keep wanting to put the stress on "or" to PAY up PUT up OR soon CLOSE just sounds funny to me. maybe to pay up soon or they would close. that was all i see for now I'll keep reading and tell you what i think in more detail later.
your great,
your great,