12-29-2012, 03:28 PM
Hi Jae, I think you have something good going on here and well worth working with, I love that you are playing around with the structures in poems.
If I take your notes into account then you have a bit more work to do in order to achieve your target line counts (assuming you are counting sillybubs). I've put my count for each line in brackets...I find this helps when someone does it for me as it can sometimes be the case that I read a word differently to others.
Riches beyond winters reach (7) Good solid opening stanza. Excellent image for the transience of wealth
Are like flame to kindling (6)
on summers dry sheet (5)
As alley cats drip howling heat (8) Again nice imagery. I struggled to connect to wealth stood on it's own (like a Haiku) but when fed into next stanza it works
The desert dog laps (5)
at its keepers feet (5)
While waters crush rock (5) Nice, reverse image with S2 (I read this as poverty and leanness make for want and dependancy / abundance and power make for wasteful surplice... the reader is left with the impression that neither state is good)
to quench their own thirsts (5)
An apple falls to autumn’s applause (9)
I notice that in the first stanza you have a decending count (765) it was a smooth read if you change your mind about your final count target.
My appoligies if this was a bit too much critique...but i felt your poem was strong enough and i would like to encourage you in your ideas.
This was a good read. Thanks for shareing.
If I take your notes into account then you have a bit more work to do in order to achieve your target line counts (assuming you are counting sillybubs). I've put my count for each line in brackets...I find this helps when someone does it for me as it can sometimes be the case that I read a word differently to others.
Riches beyond winters reach (7) Good solid opening stanza. Excellent image for the transience of wealth
Are like flame to kindling (6)
on summers dry sheet (5)
As alley cats drip howling heat (8) Again nice imagery. I struggled to connect to wealth stood on it's own (like a Haiku) but when fed into next stanza it works
The desert dog laps (5)
at its keepers feet (5)
While waters crush rock (5) Nice, reverse image with S2 (I read this as poverty and leanness make for want and dependancy / abundance and power make for wasteful surplice... the reader is left with the impression that neither state is good)
to quench their own thirsts (5)
An apple falls to autumn’s applause (9)
I notice that in the first stanza you have a decending count (765) it was a smooth read if you change your mind about your final count target.
My appoligies if this was a bit too much critique...but i felt your poem was strong enough and i would like to encourage you in your ideas.
This was a good read. Thanks for shareing.