12-28-2012, 05:47 PM
What a pleasant read! The poem flows nicely and is quirky and I found myself willing it to go somewhere with conviction. This is my problem with it, whilst it's pleasant to read there isn't enough concreteness to get ones hands on. Unfortunately then, the bits that are quirky become annoying and the pleasantness turns to bland. I'm sure if you sacrificed some items from your lists of statements you could introduce more concrete images. I'm not certain about your use of archaic sentence structure because I began to wonder if it was a device you were using to chase rhymes, it clearly isn't so what purpose is served? It doesn't have to read in that old-fashioned way does it? Doing a cliche cull would help this poem sound fresher, I suspect some originality would provide the conviction I wanted on first reading.