12-28-2012, 05:33 PM
hi rookie
i'm with Todd about the 4th line, you could also use in scarp feels forced in that i don't see it in connection with carp. but a great effort with the two opening verse. i think you could cut some of the longer lines which would make them less heavy but still strong enough to counter the softer thoughts. i'd suggest an edit of the larger verse in order to see where the poem could take you.
thanks for the read.
i'm with Todd about the 4th line, you could also use in scarp feels forced in that i don't see it in connection with carp. but a great effort with the two opening verse. i think you could cut some of the longer lines which would make them less heavy but still strong enough to counter the softer thoughts. i'd suggest an edit of the larger verse in order to see where the poem could take you.
thanks for the read.