12-28-2012, 02:29 PM
Hi Rookie, welcome to the site! A few brief comments:
I like the cadence and the rhythm of the shorter lines you seem to have a natural feel for it. There are a few bumps that you should catch if you read it out loud. The first two strophes work the best.
Minor issues: L4 to would probably work better than a.
Major issue: I don't think the longer lines work well in the poem. There are too many adverbs and adjectives weighing the lines down. They feel overwritten and not nearly as cool and good as your shorter lines.
L11: minor typo arsonist.
Just my thoughts.
Best,
Todd
I like the cadence and the rhythm of the shorter lines you seem to have a natural feel for it. There are a few bumps that you should catch if you read it out loud. The first two strophes work the best.
Minor issues: L4 to would probably work better than a.
Major issue: I don't think the longer lines work well in the poem. There are too many adverbs and adjectives weighing the lines down. They feel overwritten and not nearly as cool and good as your shorter lines.
L11: minor typo arsonist.
Just my thoughts.
Best,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson