12-23-2012, 11:22 AM
Hey Uncle Vertical
I think this is about winter being described as fog. I like the idea of this. I think it loses it's steam in the last three lines, maybe it's because I don't quite understand it, such as what's eternal and whose waiting. There was a sudden shift of focus without any transition. I don't think you need all the "the" in the beginning of a few lines.
You have some good descriptions to work with, it allows the reader to see what the narrator sees, which makes it better to read.
I think this is about winter being described as fog. I like the idea of this. I think it loses it's steam in the last three lines, maybe it's because I don't quite understand it, such as what's eternal and whose waiting. There was a sudden shift of focus without any transition. I don't think you need all the "the" in the beginning of a few lines.
You have some good descriptions to work with, it allows the reader to see what the narrator sees, which makes it better to read.