12-23-2012, 06:37 AM
Welcome 2onthemap!
I really like the title. I enjoyed how there was a light at the end of the tunnel. This has some really good thoughts. I can see the intention with some of the lines, but I think approaching it differently would give the words more strength instead of just knowing it's intent. Like "dreaming and hoping that pain will cease tomorrow."
I don't think you need the first stanza, it's so different from the rest of it and it doesn't give the reader anything new that isn't already in the poem.
I really like "Or did your wounds become infected/And the newborns you bear in your arms/will their friendship be rejected that's direct and has some force.
Overall, I like where you're going with this and I enjoyed reading it.
I really like the title. I enjoyed how there was a light at the end of the tunnel. This has some really good thoughts. I can see the intention with some of the lines, but I think approaching it differently would give the words more strength instead of just knowing it's intent. Like "dreaming and hoping that pain will cease tomorrow."
I don't think you need the first stanza, it's so different from the rest of it and it doesn't give the reader anything new that isn't already in the poem.
I really like "Or did your wounds become infected/And the newborns you bear in your arms/will their friendship be rejected that's direct and has some force.
Overall, I like where you're going with this and I enjoyed reading it.