"The smell of love"

[KbPoetry]

I sit across from him at the table
My heart has known his for many months now
His stare closes the distance between our bodies
My fingers find his hand and lace around it

Emotion pulses under my skin
I can feel blood rush beneath my cheeks
The electricity of his touch makes me shiver
Love’s sting on the back of my neck

We exchange words in the quiet room
They carry in them thoughts rarely shared
Conversation is futile, for in youth
The mind is simple and decided

The air settles, dense, below us
The breeze dies down and grants us peace
His smell soon surrounds me; I suck it in
It is the pungent scent of man in love.



Please tell me what you think- it's intended to have a sort-of choppy rhythm, but if you find a way to make it a bit smoother, that would be greatly appreciated! Thank you in advance.

I like the idea here, but it kind of left me wanting more. I don't know I just felt like the poem wasn't pushed far enough. I also think that you will have to earn the few cliches and abstractions you use. What I mean is that for the audience to really appreciate what is going on, you are going to have to show it to us and then later you can tell us a recap. Does that make sense? I know a little confusing. But I'll give you an example. In the line "emotion pulses under my skin", I feel that "emotion" hasn't quite been earned. We need to see more of what this emotion is. You have told us about it but not shown us. I think this piece has quite a bit of potential. Good luck with your editing!