12-21-2012, 09:19 PM
I agree with comments made by 'addy' - it feels as if your using a 'light' brush where you could be 'slapping it on' as it were!
I'm not sure the title is justified by the poem... I wonder if some allusions to the olfactory experience could be introduced into the body of the poem, it's not really strong enough an allusion to present as a finale.
Your 'clunky' rhythm is the result of word choice... take line 1
"I sit across from him at the table" - 10 syllables the first 4 with different vowel sounds and a range of consonant sounds creates more 'stops' than encourages flow... - L2 then suddenly flows with the 'breathy' alliteration of "...heart has known him..." and the comfortable feel of "... many months now." L3 doesn't compliment either of those starts - hope you can see what I mean, I may not have put it very well!
Good luck - I think you have an entertaining poem but it does need work.
I'm not sure the title is justified by the poem... I wonder if some allusions to the olfactory experience could be introduced into the body of the poem, it's not really strong enough an allusion to present as a finale.
Your 'clunky' rhythm is the result of word choice... take line 1
"I sit across from him at the table" - 10 syllables the first 4 with different vowel sounds and a range of consonant sounds creates more 'stops' than encourages flow... - L2 then suddenly flows with the 'breathy' alliteration of "...heart has known him..." and the comfortable feel of "... many months now." L3 doesn't compliment either of those starts - hope you can see what I mean, I may not have put it very well!
Good luck - I think you have an entertaining poem but it does need work.