The onset of winter

[Philatone]

hello Jae!


I am probably mistaken for this, but when I read this, it felt like the piece was trying to be a bit too cinematic. while some of the images really work well for it (the opening, the grip over the throat), overall I think the effect can take the poem in a direction it may not need to go.

My last main comment revolves around the last line. I don't know if this will help you or if you will agree, but when a last line has a distinctive form or structure (unlike most or all of what preceded it), that may be a sign that the idea does not fit. It can be a last wish of a writer to squeeze it in, no matter what, often from desire to make it work. Maybe this is not the case here, but that is what it strikes me, since no other line in the piece matches its length, distance, or subject.


here were my specific thoughts

Her slender figure stood beautiful against the cold dead grey
His vast presence loomed ever closer...not convinced that "ever" is needed"
She knew him....but how does the reader know this?
His other side so kind
Now a villain set to one end
He besieged her
Casting hope into silhouette...enjoy the idea, but am not sure if I can completely understand it. that may not be bad
I told you did I not
His venomous lips spat
Frost bitten hands gripped her throat....I like the repetition of cold imagery with "frost bitten"
I am your great castigator
A malignant instrument set from on high
Not even heaven can turn my chiding eye
I swear it now you will die...the rhymes were interesting for me; it reminds me of religious texts where holy beings speak in rhyme, and subverts it in a way. some meter could make the parallel more drastic
His murderous grasp tightened ....felt a bit redundant. something like "his grasp murderous" could be more refreshing
Defiant she stood
Her hope seemed viscous
Even as his hold intensified
Draining air from life giving lungs...the "life giving" felt a bit too dramatic to me. "draining air" paired with "lungs" already gave me a nice parallel
Knowing after death would come life...maybe cut this line or introduce more of it into the poem?
With elegant grace she gave up the fight...these actions occur, but the details for them are missing. it can read quickly and with the distance of a report, which is not fitting for the scene
And the world watched on in silence to the death of a flower

it's an interesting scene with promise that isn't quite met yet. I hope some of this may help