12-11-2012, 12:59 PM
Hi Jess, welcome to the site!
Well, the honest answer is it needs some work. That's true of most poems actually though
so you're in good company. The lines that are just statements like the first two lines for example are not what you want to do. Many poets free write and have a lot of these statements initially in their work. The trick is finding the evocative interesting stuff and chipping away all the bland, unnecessary stuff. It's just like the sculptor seeing the statue in the block of marble. The statue is made of marble certainly, but while it remains in the block it isn't anything special.
So when I read your poem I'm looking for the interesting phrases and imagery to build around. For me it was these lines:
I just can’t cope with so much nothingness
That you were my sun
And all I have are sad lyrics to sing
I’ll sing them for you,
I like the idea of so much nothingness. While you are my sun or you are my everything is a bit too familiar in that its been done before, I like that you're reaching for a concrete image. It's something you should consider doing more.
The singing also have some potential to explore.
There's nothing wrong with rhyme, but I would suggest focusing on getting your content and imagery where you need it first and then reintroducing the rhyme. I'm concerned mostly that you don't limit yourself to certain words while your establishing what you need to say.
Just some thoughts...again, welcome nice to have you here.
Best,
Todd
Well, the honest answer is it needs some work. That's true of most poems actually though
so you're in good company. The lines that are just statements like the first two lines for example are not what you want to do. Many poets free write and have a lot of these statements initially in their work. The trick is finding the evocative interesting stuff and chipping away all the bland, unnecessary stuff. It's just like the sculptor seeing the statue in the block of marble. The statue is made of marble certainly, but while it remains in the block it isn't anything special.So when I read your poem I'm looking for the interesting phrases and imagery to build around. For me it was these lines:
I just can’t cope with so much nothingness
That you were my sun
And all I have are sad lyrics to sing
I’ll sing them for you,
I like the idea of so much nothingness. While you are my sun or you are my everything is a bit too familiar in that its been done before, I like that you're reaching for a concrete image. It's something you should consider doing more.
The singing also have some potential to explore.
There's nothing wrong with rhyme, but I would suggest focusing on getting your content and imagery where you need it first and then reintroducing the rhyme. I'm concerned mostly that you don't limit yourself to certain words while your establishing what you need to say.
Just some thoughts...again, welcome nice to have you here.
Best,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson