Koto-in’s Forests

[billy]

Thanks for reading and sharing Todd! I have a question: i am still a little hesitant to criticize other people's work in anything other than broad strokes cause i don't believe, until i am qualified. It's a skill, and even more, people's feelings are at stake.. Once again, very much appreciate your words


again, thanks for sharing.

everything that todd said, just do what you can regards feedback but be honest and give reasons why. people in general should be able to take feedback if they post poetry in the feedback forums. if they can't they can post in the for fun forum and the other forums we have. we don't grade feedback unless it's just the brown nosing kind.

---

A “single path” in a mind’s yellow wood, good opening line. the path having two meanings.
A path made of ageless Taoist stones is 'a path' needed?
That cut a swath to the sea.

Marked by a dolphin’s mystical ascent we are all dolphinated great line.
Or an aureole’s fire in the tropical dusk not sure it needs 's fire'
Of the sounds of kids behind a rich man’s walls nice foil to the mystic side of the poem

Possessing the Eden you once possessed, is 'once' needed?
The one you lost in the park that day
When your namesake surfaced in the void. i think void is trying too hard to work without some kind of reference.

A “single path” in a wood that never ends---
A path where the worlds disseminate light, are the bold words needed?
A strikingly lonely path through the clouds excellent stanza again i like how you use a foil, in this case clouds for light

To a peak experience of union with oneself
Where the tension of salvation suddenly abates,
The sudden awareness that yes, once again

It comes into the world, that yes, once again not sure these last two lines are needed?
In Koto-in’s bamboo forests, it has come!

mainly small nits as suggestions.
a great feel of mind and nature the 3rd stanza makes it a little too earthly I know it's a real place) but it still works in that it shows meditation can be lost.

thanks for the read