Koto-in’s Forests

[pound526]

Hello pound,

I like this very much. There are some repetitions that I think the poem could live without. I'll show you what I'm thinking and let you decide where you want to go with that. I hope it's helpful.

I think what sets this poem apart for me is the beautiful imagery. Here are some line comments:

A “single path” in a mind’s yellow wood,--I love yellow wood here. It sets a pleasant autumn sense to it all, and maybe the idea that we color things in our mind
A path made of ageless Taoist stones--my only nit here is I'd cut "a path" and just let there be a sweeping sense to the image. It feels too halting for me with the repetition.
That cut a swath to the sea.

Marked by a dolphin’s mystical ascent--like the image and that you chose to mark the ascent rather than any other aspect of the leap
Or an aureole’s fire in the tropical dusk--great word choice in aureole to go with mystical in the previous line
Of the sounds of kids behind a rich man’s walls--this is really nice. It works very nicely with the idea of God being a rich man and those in "Eden" being like children. It grounds the imagery with something very practical. It gives a sense of loss and ostracism. I'm not sure the Of the lead in reads correctly... I seem to want something like an "Or by..."

Possessing the Eden you once possessed,--a fall of station. I like the focus on the person
The one you lost in the park that day--consider replacing the one with that
When your namesake surfaced in the void.--not sure what to make of this content. It doesn't seem positive. There's a sense of the fall and original sin. The "you" forever changed. The void seems to be something alien and wrong to give birth to the namesake. One is in the natural world the namesake is not. I'm thinking out loud as I process this and realize that I may be missing this completely

A “single path” in a wood that never ends---
A path where the worlds disseminate light,--beautiful phrasing. I would consider cutting A path.
A strikingly lonely path through the clouds--a few minor cut suggestions: consider cutting "A" and "path". With those cuts I think it would really pop to the reader

To a peak experience of union with oneself
Where the tension of salvation suddenly abates,
The sudden awareness that yes, once again

--This could just be me but this seems to be an epiphany moment. I think shorter lines. I took some liberties for your consideration:

To a peak experience of union
With oneself. The tension
Of salvation abates
With sudden awareness that yes
once again.

Just a thought. I loved the tension of salvation especially.

It comes into the world, that yes, once again--I would consider cutting the repetition (everything after world)
In Koto-in’s bamboo forests, it has come!--solid ending

Meditative piece with solid imagery. Thanks for the read.

Best,

Todd

Thanks for reading and sharing Todd! I have a question: i am still a little hesitant to criticize other people's work in anything other than broad strokes cause i don't believe, until i am qualified. It's a skill, and even more, people's feelings are at stake.. Once again, very much appreciate your words


again, thanks for sharing.