12-03-2012, 01:11 PM
Like you I'm new to poetry. My feedback should be taken with a grain of salt.
I do agree with arbil but I really liked the meaning held in the last verse. unlike the third verse (which definitely seems more poetic), it gave a bit more context with the introduction of reason. I would maybe suggest maybe try combine those two. even if small edit like this (then dropping the 4th verse):
When reason wakes, with dawn
That brings relief; in every song and script.....
actually I'm having second thoughts, but I'm a fan of the meaning.
I do agree with arbil but I really liked the meaning held in the last verse. unlike the third verse (which definitely seems more poetic), it gave a bit more context with the introduction of reason. I would maybe suggest maybe try combine those two. even if small edit like this (then dropping the 4th verse):
When reason wakes, with dawn
That brings relief; in every song and script.....
actually I'm having second thoughts, but I'm a fan of the meaning.
If something happens and you can remedy it, Why worry?
And if something happens that you can't remedy, Still why worry?
www.benjack.co.nz
And if something happens that you can't remedy, Still why worry?
www.benjack.co.nz