(12-01-2012, 11:33 PM)Todd Wrote:thanks for the feedback(12-01-2012, 06:43 PM)billy Wrote: "Fuck you! She was my sister:"That was a fun read Billy.
That she was, we banged like the kettle
drums in a Kiri Te Kanawa opera recital.
All tits and claws and screaming.--these lines with the break on kettle, the specific detail on line two with the humor, and the all tots and claws and screaming were awesome
The preening type,
who does the make up in the car thing--maybe keep the structure:"the make up in the car type" makeup might be one word if you mean cosmetics, two words if you're implying sex. I prefer it as you have it
after ripping the buttons off
my tattered Armani shirt,
while shouting how fucking ugly
her wicked stupid sister is.--maybe a "you" to lead this and then change is to an are
"At least she didn't give me aids
like your brother."
prompted from here
glad you enjoyed it, i appreciate your comments a lot. i meant as in making up but i do like that it has an ambiguity i didn't intend
i like your idea on the you as it leaves no doubt. will think about it.(12-02-2012, 05:00 AM)Leanne Wrote: You are a very sick manyeah...opera can go. and i try to be
The Kiri Te Kanawa line is a bit long and I wonder if you could cut "opera" entirely? I like "recital" so close to "kettle", it picks up the sonics well.
