12-01-2012, 01:03 PM
This took me a few reads. This is higher than the level I'm at with my poetry, so forgive me if I sound like an idiot.
Even with a few reads I'm still having trouble figuring out what this poem means, but I'm going to take a stab at it anyway. I'm getting the impression it's about the serpant and the woman are both waiting for rain after a drought. I feel like I'm missing something obvious with this.
The first stanza: I have mixed feelings. I like how you're unfolding the scene with words like "he lies inside bound by quilts", but I don't think "begging for sleep" is really needed, it can already be assumed with the line above it with "twisted by the day." All in all the first stanza creates a clear image of something troubling with good detail.
The second stanza: A shift of focus to a woman in the kitchen and to the dripping of water, I like how you worded this. You panning to a different scene in my opinion keeps the attention of the reader because it's so sudden and it seems like a movie going from one area to another.
The third stanza: Here is where my confusion begins. I like the 2nd line in this stanza because it seems like an echo from one thing to another.
The fourth stanza: This is where I got the impression of a drought, but the line "she plays the loop with each shelved item" sounds brilliant when I say it out loud to myself but I have no idea what it means.
The fifth stanza: I like "could it be, could it be" it sounds excited and hopeful. To be honest I like the whole stanza because it feels like they're expecting the rain other just hasn't come yet. The stanza starts with frustration then ending with hope. I like the build up.
The sixth stanza: I like this stanza with the image of "I carry the drums of damp air" nice touch. Is "vipers kiss" suppose to be viper's kiss? I really like the images here. My one nit is the last line of this stanza "sleep streams through his body" you have such amazing images and this just seems kinda weak in comparison.
The seventh stanza: I love this! It feels good when saying it out loud and it's just a strong ending, I'm just confused on who the maker suppose to be, is it the serpent?
Overall, I really like this poem. I probably wasn't helpful to you at all, it was just mainly my interpretation, but I enjoyed reading this and even though I don't understand parts of it I appreciate it for what is. It held my attention and the imagery was just fascinating.
Even with a few reads I'm still having trouble figuring out what this poem means, but I'm going to take a stab at it anyway. I'm getting the impression it's about the serpant and the woman are both waiting for rain after a drought. I feel like I'm missing something obvious with this.
The first stanza: I have mixed feelings. I like how you're unfolding the scene with words like "he lies inside bound by quilts", but I don't think "begging for sleep" is really needed, it can already be assumed with the line above it with "twisted by the day." All in all the first stanza creates a clear image of something troubling with good detail.
The second stanza: A shift of focus to a woman in the kitchen and to the dripping of water, I like how you worded this. You panning to a different scene in my opinion keeps the attention of the reader because it's so sudden and it seems like a movie going from one area to another.
The third stanza: Here is where my confusion begins. I like the 2nd line in this stanza because it seems like an echo from one thing to another.
The fourth stanza: This is where I got the impression of a drought, but the line "she plays the loop with each shelved item" sounds brilliant when I say it out loud to myself but I have no idea what it means.
The fifth stanza: I like "could it be, could it be" it sounds excited and hopeful. To be honest I like the whole stanza because it feels like they're expecting the rain other just hasn't come yet. The stanza starts with frustration then ending with hope. I like the build up.
The sixth stanza: I like this stanza with the image of "I carry the drums of damp air" nice touch. Is "vipers kiss" suppose to be viper's kiss? I really like the images here. My one nit is the last line of this stanza "sleep streams through his body" you have such amazing images and this just seems kinda weak in comparison.
The seventh stanza: I love this! It feels good when saying it out loud and it's just a strong ending, I'm just confused on who the maker suppose to be, is it the serpent?
Overall, I really like this poem. I probably wasn't helpful to you at all, it was just mainly my interpretation, but I enjoyed reading this and even though I don't understand parts of it I appreciate it for what is. It held my attention and the imagery was just fascinating.