11-26-2012, 12:46 PM
Hi Black Jade, Welcome to the site!
A few comments for you on your poem:
I think this poem is crying out for more imagery. Line 5 is very nice. You provide a tactile image with the night skies. The blanket imagery gives the night a warm, sensual feel. The rest of the poem is largely a series of statements that while they would sound sensual if said to a partner fall short in a poem in my opinion. Consider adding more imagery that suggests touch.
It was good reading you.
Best,
Todd
A few comments for you on your poem:
I think this poem is crying out for more imagery. Line 5 is very nice. You provide a tactile image with the night skies. The blanket imagery gives the night a warm, sensual feel. The rest of the poem is largely a series of statements that while they would sound sensual if said to a partner fall short in a poem in my opinion. Consider adding more imagery that suggests touch.
It was good reading you.
Best,
Todd
(11-26-2012, 12:01 PM)Black Jade Wrote: Hold my waist
Touch my face
Your love in my eyes
Grip my thighs
Night skies like a blanket
The stars here are sacred
They knew before us
Our love was divine
Here we are among the grape vine..
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson