11-25-2012, 08:22 PM
Hi TOMH
First of all please excuse my attempts to to offer advise on a subject I'm a little shakey on myself.
I wanted to offer something for your poem as it seams to have got missed in amongst everything...so here goes.
I'm not possitive, but perhaps the referance to shoes and so the inferance of a person wearing the shoe means that this is a senyru...but then I had never heard about this form untill i read Billy's notes so..who knows if I'm right.
The subject was very strong and i felt it worked very well. It also conveyed a good seasonal element.
I think perhaps the count is wrong in the last line. 5/7/5 (i think is the sequence) and I made yours 5/7/7 but again I'm hoping that someone else will pop in and add some weight of authority to this comment.
Overall I thought it was well done I liked the added bonus of assonance in the first line.
First of all please excuse my attempts to to offer advise on a subject I'm a little shakey on myself.
I wanted to offer something for your poem as it seams to have got missed in amongst everything...so here goes.
I'm not possitive, but perhaps the referance to shoes and so the inferance of a person wearing the shoe means that this is a senyru...but then I had never heard about this form untill i read Billy's notes so..who knows if I'm right.
The subject was very strong and i felt it worked very well. It also conveyed a good seasonal element.
I think perhaps the count is wrong in the last line. 5/7/5 (i think is the sequence) and I made yours 5/7/7 but again I'm hoping that someone else will pop in and add some weight of authority to this comment.
Overall I thought it was well done I liked the added bonus of assonance in the first line.