11-17-2012, 01:52 AM
Lovely poem 
.
I agree with TimeOnMyHands about adding the "at" in that one line. The following line, "but to become a towering tree" also sounds a bit off in rhythm. If you can find a one-syllable word to replace "become," then I think it would flow better rhythmically.
Like
And so its destiny, not at sea
but to be/stand/grow/bloom/sprout a towering tree
But to find a word that doesn't compromise the flow of the meaning either. If you can't find one that doesn't maintain or improve the flow of meaning, then I would just leave it.
.I agree with TimeOnMyHands about adding the "at" in that one line. The following line, "but to become a towering tree" also sounds a bit off in rhythm. If you can find a one-syllable word to replace "become," then I think it would flow better rhythmically.
Like
And so its destiny, not at sea
but to be/stand/grow/bloom/sprout a towering tree
But to find a word that doesn't compromise the flow of the meaning either. If you can't find one that doesn't maintain or improve the flow of meaning, then I would just leave it.