working the bar.

[MrA]

A double helix of smoke spiralled
up from behind well manicured fingers
their pink shock of varnish, contrasted
the black shine of Gothic lip gloss.
Dim lights and cotton trousers couldn't hide
a stiffening from her heterochromic gaze.
She fixated on it, dripping me a smile.this is an image that's a bit difficult. Maybe pouring me a smile? Or something.

For most of the night we chair dancedphrasing: we chair danced most of the night. The 'For' was excess and could go.
not chancing a corporeal touch we posed
and postured. prettifying the night owls
casual in all sense of the word, plying
transmogrified coke heads working the floor.
Saturday night delighters on the run
from two point three screamers locked up at home.I do like the "prettifying the night owls", but the rest seems a little contrived. Could be just that ugly "transmogrified" word; seems to be over-doing it a little.

I waited for the ball hefting gangsters,
pretty soon they'd all scratched a passage
through the crowd to stand there iconically;
expecting gifts of flesh and gratitude
She diffused them with a wave of handI think "wave of hand" could be changed to "a deft gesture" or something else; just a suggestion.
At the evenings end she called me over
"Give yer dad a lift to lock up" she said.

---

I agree with Addy on much of the punctuation. Quite like this piece, especially the last stanza. Has an almost touchable feel to it, maybe because of its honest subject matter combined with the tangible imagery and description.


i rushed this because ive not done one for a while, (i'm not making excuses) so i'm prepared to actually workshop the bugger quite a bit.