Poetic Trip

[billy]

hi mikey, i see you say it's spoken word. on paper a spoken word poem is often something else. i'm crap at spoken word poetry so my feedback is on the written word.

How do you reach the top, opening up with a cliche is risky in both genre's
If you never stood your ground at the bottom??? to follow it up with another removes the chance that it might go unnoticed
How do you stand tall, and a third makes it just run of the mill writing with all the emphasis needing to be on the speaker.
If you never had to fall... Autumn??? it tries too hard to be clever
They say friendships change like the seasons
So don't enter my circle less you have a reason
Don't call yourself a friend just to talk behind my back
That's treason
Some friends become family
Some family become enemies
Some enemies want to become friends with me
But I have an unforgiving heart
A soul that won't let go
And A mind that doesn't forget
Never worry about the problems from yesterday
I'm stressed from the ones from today
What if you see the end of your tunnel
But you don't see the light
Do you continue to push forward
Or do you hold back???
When someone tell you that they love you
Should you continue to hold back???
Been hurt to often in the past
So please forgive me
But I refuse to love to fast
It's quicker to forget a smile than a frown
Because the pain is still there
Maybe it's not fair
But life isn't fair
So because of my past pain
You really have to put effort in me
To show me why I should even care
Once broken some things just cant easily be fixed
A friendship, A heart, The bond we once shared...
If you fuck up once,
You only showing me that you never cared
That only makes me want to take back everything we ever shared
From the milkshakes to the emotions
You turned my emotions into a milkshake
Unable to hold form
You left me with only the notion of emotion
So now I can only go through the motions
Because I'm afraid of the ending
Is a broken heart really worth mending???
Are feelings really worth lending???
Is a heated beginning really worth an overheated ending???


Well that is for you to decide..
I'm just your tour guide/ poet..
So as everybody all arrive back from our trip...
And slip...
Back into a better place....
Everybody say grace...
And snap...
For...

Mikey B The Poet

the poem is mainly cliche, if you take spoken word poetry like you would a song, then it might work. the thing with poetry is the fact people who listen or read poetry because they like to (and not because they want to be praised) will see all the cliche as unimaginative. so that area needs a lot of work. i see no problem with the meter because i know vocalising is an art in itself. most things can be made to sound good if you have the skill. the last stanza/verse feels to cheesy and seems to make the poem about you, that would be okay if you were the compare of a slam and introducing other poets but if it's A piece then it steals everything that's you'll have said before it. if you do an edit, you need to make it fresh.

an example;

We change friends like Catholics change underwear for Sunday mass

could equate to;

They say friendships change like the seasons

admittedly it may not be a good example but you see what i mean?
use simile and metaphor, allude to something instead of being factual.
lie, create big fat lies; the end may hook up with the title but i'd consider changing it (the title) the poems more friendship than poetry.

thanks for the read.