10-03-2012, 07:13 AM
Well let's give this a shot. I don't usually critique spoken word, but hopefully you'll get something you can use.
First, one of the problems with spoken word in general is a great performer can be under the assumption that the poem is great when really their performance skills are what's selling it to the audience.
I'm going to point out some things you can think about reworking. If the poem is stronger that only helps the overall experience.
Rhyme generally doesn't work well without meter but in a spoken performance you can get away with a lot. I'm not going to address that further.
What I notice is that you have a lot of cliches (tired, dead sort of writing that we've heard before). Cliches rob your work of originality and emotional power. They are a sort of cultural shorthand.
Phrases like "reach the top", "stood your ground", "stand tall", and "broken heart" are all cliches. You need to think about killing those and coming up with something more fresh.
Another thing, look for opportunities to express ideas with imagery. Think about ideas like reaching the top. How can you show that in an image? How can you than build it into something that takes in coming up from the bottom? Try to turn your listeners ears into eyes so they can "see" what your saying.
Most of spoken word comes across as a general rant that encompasses the speaker's life. Consider narrowing the focus to one specific incident or life event and go deep.
That's my advice. Use it if you like.
Good luck in your performance.
Best,
Todd
First, one of the problems with spoken word in general is a great performer can be under the assumption that the poem is great when really their performance skills are what's selling it to the audience.
I'm going to point out some things you can think about reworking. If the poem is stronger that only helps the overall experience.
Rhyme generally doesn't work well without meter but in a spoken performance you can get away with a lot. I'm not going to address that further.
What I notice is that you have a lot of cliches (tired, dead sort of writing that we've heard before). Cliches rob your work of originality and emotional power. They are a sort of cultural shorthand.
Phrases like "reach the top", "stood your ground", "stand tall", and "broken heart" are all cliches. You need to think about killing those and coming up with something more fresh.
Another thing, look for opportunities to express ideas with imagery. Think about ideas like reaching the top. How can you show that in an image? How can you than build it into something that takes in coming up from the bottom? Try to turn your listeners ears into eyes so they can "see" what your saying.
Most of spoken word comes across as a general rant that encompasses the speaker's life. Consider narrowing the focus to one specific incident or life event and go deep.
That's my advice. Use it if you like.
Good luck in your performance.
Best,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson