it felt a little holocaustical at the beggining
it feels like it's trying to be satirical or funny but it's not quite getting there.
the images are good and i like the ending couple of stanza. but it needs to be straight forward, as easy to read as a slice of cake is to eat. i'd like to see it opened up as you've done on previous edits to previous poems.
i wouldn't change the format though as it reminds me of a renga (predecessor to the haiku, connective shot stanzas)
as always geoff, thanks for the read.
it feels like it's trying to be satirical or funny but it's not quite getting there.
the images are good and i like the ending couple of stanza. but it needs to be straight forward, as easy to read as a slice of cake is to eat. i'd like to see it opened up as you've done on previous edits to previous poems.
i wouldn't change the format though as it reminds me of a renga (predecessor to the haiku, connective shot stanzas)
as always geoff, thanks for the read.