09-23-2012, 04:25 AM
You can ask somebody to fix the title of the thread, to fix 'Paradise' for you.
Shades of valentine red
marry pink blossoms
delighting bride and groom
reciting vows promises...
Are you happy with how that reads? Without punctuation? There could be a comma after 'blossoms' and one between 'vows' and 'promises'. Two pairs are getting married; the shades and the blossoms, the bride and the groom. I see that.
tears fall; two lovers embrace
echos of eternity
dazzling in the mist
The mist is in relation to the tears, is that what you are saying? 'Echoes' is normally spelled with an 'e' before the 's'. And 'echoes', 'eternity' and 'mist' are used to transcend the present moment as 'tears fall', and this idea is strengthened by the rest of the poem, since it appears to be a clear, bright night rather than a misty one. You haven't been framing your sentences with periods, so
twilight glows over skies
they dance the midnight sun
correlating their movements
'twilight' is an assumed beginning of a new sentence. Maybe you rejected the use of periods for some effect? 'Twilight', is it glowing over the pair that are dancing, as the next part implies? For a moment it might occur that 'twilight' stands for glowing stars that are dancing a dance called 'the midnight sun', or 'twilight' or the pair are dancing 'the midnight sun' in an obtusely similar sense as someone "burning the midnight oil". The next line brings us back to your true meaning: but the punctuation would help if it read:
twilight glows over skies.
they dance the midnight sun,
correlating their movements.
the sweet peach
of her lips beckoning him
she creeps closer
teasingly backing
away whispering-follow me...
A few commas could be used to guide the lines:
of her lips beckoning him,
she creeps closer,
teasingly backing
away, whispering
the 'whispering-follow' is using a dash, but it looks like - a hyphen. You could use spaces, 'whispering - follow', or a comma, or a longer dash. You could use quotation marks, but sometimes you want the words spoken to blend with the other words of the poem: to blend the narrator with the person saying 'follow me', or for other reasons.
luminescent stars
guide their path- a secret garden
pulsing flowers radiant
If you like that style of phrasing, you could use commas:
a secret garden
pulsing flowers, radiant.
she smiles
warmly in his arms
he strokes her hair
tender touches on skin
both exhaling slowly
every moment lingering deliciously
The rest of the poem can use similar punctuation. Some of the lines are constructed kind of abnormally, which isn't bad, but they flow into each other in ways that may or may not be the effective style you're trying to produce. What do you think?
'Luminescent' is a tricky word here if you actually look it up. You might want to use 'luminous'. Compare those words, and see what you think.
Shades of valentine red
marry pink blossoms
delighting bride and groom
reciting vows promises...
Are you happy with how that reads? Without punctuation? There could be a comma after 'blossoms' and one between 'vows' and 'promises'. Two pairs are getting married; the shades and the blossoms, the bride and the groom. I see that.
tears fall; two lovers embrace
echos of eternity
dazzling in the mist
The mist is in relation to the tears, is that what you are saying? 'Echoes' is normally spelled with an 'e' before the 's'. And 'echoes', 'eternity' and 'mist' are used to transcend the present moment as 'tears fall', and this idea is strengthened by the rest of the poem, since it appears to be a clear, bright night rather than a misty one. You haven't been framing your sentences with periods, so
twilight glows over skies
they dance the midnight sun
correlating their movements
'twilight' is an assumed beginning of a new sentence. Maybe you rejected the use of periods for some effect? 'Twilight', is it glowing over the pair that are dancing, as the next part implies? For a moment it might occur that 'twilight' stands for glowing stars that are dancing a dance called 'the midnight sun', or 'twilight' or the pair are dancing 'the midnight sun' in an obtusely similar sense as someone "burning the midnight oil". The next line brings us back to your true meaning: but the punctuation would help if it read:
twilight glows over skies.
they dance the midnight sun,
correlating their movements.
the sweet peach
of her lips beckoning him
she creeps closer
teasingly backing
away whispering-follow me...
A few commas could be used to guide the lines:
of her lips beckoning him,
she creeps closer,
teasingly backing
away, whispering
the 'whispering-follow' is using a dash, but it looks like - a hyphen. You could use spaces, 'whispering - follow', or a comma, or a longer dash. You could use quotation marks, but sometimes you want the words spoken to blend with the other words of the poem: to blend the narrator with the person saying 'follow me', or for other reasons.
luminescent stars
guide their path- a secret garden
pulsing flowers radiant
If you like that style of phrasing, you could use commas:
a secret garden
pulsing flowers, radiant.
she smiles
warmly in his arms
he strokes her hair
tender touches on skin
both exhaling slowly
every moment lingering deliciously
The rest of the poem can use similar punctuation. Some of the lines are constructed kind of abnormally, which isn't bad, but they flow into each other in ways that may or may not be the effective style you're trying to produce. What do you think?
'Luminescent' is a tricky word here if you actually look it up. You might want to use 'luminous'. Compare those words, and see what you think.