09-22-2012, 10:01 AM
Hi poetsorrow 
It is good to see you posting. I like the overall picture you are painting and it is certainly familiar territory. The trouble with a subject like this is that it takes a different spin to make it interesting. Without your own personality and developing interesting images that convey well, the poem is in danger of blending into the thousands of other poems out there
Luckily, I think you have a good start and with an effort this could become a stand-out piece
I did notice that the punctuation is irregular (sometimes;like this, sometimes; like this)
I am not expert on grammar and punctuation but I do feel that whatever you do it must be consistent. jmo
Thanks so much for taking the time to share your work with us and welcome to TPP
Don't forget to give others some feedback when you have the time.
It is good to see you posting. I like the overall picture you are painting and it is certainly familiar territory. The trouble with a subject like this is that it takes a different spin to make it interesting. Without your own personality and developing interesting images that convey well, the poem is in danger of blending into the thousands of other poems out there
Luckily, I think you have a good start and with an effort this could become a stand-out piece
I did notice that the punctuation is irregular (sometimes;like this, sometimes; like this)
I am not expert on grammar and punctuation but I do feel that whatever you do it must be consistent. jmo
Thanks so much for taking the time to share your work with us and welcome to TPP
Don't forget to give others some feedback when you have the time.