09-22-2012, 09:10 AM
it's very lovely poetsorrow but it needs to be original.
in general it feels very cliche. in most stanzas the 1st line is a cliche.
there are other lines as well. so many clichés can make a poem a run of the mill stuff that's been written many times before by others..
walking hand in hand....is cliche
something else that says the same thing in a new way would work much better. (often they don't go down the isle together either
(i took my daughter down the aisle)
she dragged the train bearers
though i guess they walk together down it once they're married.
they ran like dogs in heat
down the aisle not what you're aiming for but it's just an example. make the whole poem yours
in general it feels very cliche. in most stanzas the 1st line is a cliche.
there are other lines as well. so many clichés can make a poem a run of the mill stuff that's been written many times before by others..
walking hand in hand....is cliche
something else that says the same thing in a new way would work much better. (often they don't go down the isle together either
(i took my daughter down the aisle)she dragged the train bearers
though i guess they walk together down it once they're married.
they ran like dogs in heat
down the aisle not what you're aiming for but it's just an example. make the whole poem yours