09-18-2012, 07:12 AM
hi rich.
great to see you posting, don't forget to leave some feedback elsewhere
first off, for some one who's only been doing poetry for a very short time, this is excellent.
there are lots of places it can be improved but it's got a very good core.
one of the main problems with the poem is the meter, in starting out try and get the hang of making it iambic when doing verse. (rhyming poetry)once you get the hang of it you can strike out with all kinds of meter
meter....
next is rhyme, in general your rhymes are good. that said, rude doesn't rhyme with brewing, wit doesn't rhyme with British, questioned doesn't rhyme with Debenhams, these should be fixed.
You have some near rhyme in pairs like, spoilt and recoiled, wins pinning, foiled boils. while they would pass, fig, figure. it would help if they were perfect rhymes.
when rhyming try and make use of a consistent rhyme scheme for example; aabbcc or abacad depending on the verse length, iof you do a google you'll find lots of rhyme schemes to choose from.
the content has lots of original lines. and is pretty powerful, there are some cliche which others will hopefully point out , but the plot while obvious is pretty compelling. at first i thought the person was a women then it transpired it was a guy. this mainly stems from the first verse, but taken in consideration with the tile it does work on the 2nd and subsequent reads.
though it needs a pretty big overhaul,all in all it's an excellent effort
thanks for the read.
great to see you posting, don't forget to leave some feedback elsewhere
first off, for some one who's only been doing poetry for a very short time, this is excellent.
there are lots of places it can be improved but it's got a very good core.
one of the main problems with the poem is the meter, in starting out try and get the hang of making it iambic when doing verse. (rhyming poetry)once you get the hang of it you can strike out with all kinds of meter
meter....
next is rhyme, in general your rhymes are good. that said, rude doesn't rhyme with brewing, wit doesn't rhyme with British, questioned doesn't rhyme with Debenhams, these should be fixed.
You have some near rhyme in pairs like, spoilt and recoiled, wins pinning, foiled boils. while they would pass, fig, figure. it would help if they were perfect rhymes.
when rhyming try and make use of a consistent rhyme scheme for example; aabbcc or abacad depending on the verse length, iof you do a google you'll find lots of rhyme schemes to choose from.
the content has lots of original lines. and is pretty powerful, there are some cliche which others will hopefully point out , but the plot while obvious is pretty compelling. at first i thought the person was a women then it transpired it was a guy. this mainly stems from the first verse, but taken in consideration with the tile it does work on the 2nd and subsequent reads.
though it needs a pretty big overhaul,all in all it's an excellent effort
thanks for the read.