My First One

[addy]

Hi blackeagle . It's great that you're showing your first poem for critique! Always a pleasure to see new writers.

In terms of the basic narrative, it echoes a lot of those old fables about gods and goddesses, stories where the sun chases the moon and all of that. Of course linguistically this sounds a lot more modern (the fact that you make her "jump" instead of fly or even bound suggests a younger or more layman slant).

I think billy is correct that this poem has gotten a little longer than necessary because of the repeating details... if you make your point well, there's no need at all to overexplain it after. That's just extra baggage for the poem. The tighter it is, the better.

I liked this part too, among other things: "I see you // on the highest mountain of the world// with shining face and twisting hairs//"... I thought it was a lovely heartfelt moment. Other than his world-encompassing emotions though, the narrator is somewhat a cipher. She jumps because her nature is carefree... does he seek because it is also in his nature? It would be interesting to hear a couple of lines about that

Thanks very much for the read