Hi Laurie,
Welcome to the forums! I'll give you a few comments.
quote='LaurieB' pid='101085' dateline='1345086338']
I have been on a bit of a break from writing poetry and have been busy with some professional articles and long fiction. I am not quite sure where my level of skill would fit in here, so I thought the Miscellaneous Thread was a good place to start.
This is something I whipped up today
Do You Ever Think Of Me?
On spring mornings when the dew is soft upon the newborn grass,-- I like how the title rolls into the first line. I also like the seasonal structure.
when possible feels as if it really may be--I'm mixed here. I think this is a nice observation, but I'd like it tied to an image or metaphor. It feels a bit abstract to have emotional impact. It engages the intellect but there is no surprise in it if that makes sense. I like the phrasing to some extent though.
and dancing irises nod their pretty heads flirtatiously.--pretty I like it.
On summer days when sunlight promises a loving touch,
when a burst of brilliance erupts up and over into this dimension
and a lifeless shadow shrugs indifference.
On autumn evenings when windswept leaves snap sharply,
when the untamed cyclone beats a rhythm of ambiguous words
and spirals high against the inadequate name of blue.--I like this last phrase
On winter nights when an icy bed of loneliness collects the silent tears,
when vicious blades of sorrow slice deep into the trench of despair
and the memory of a kiss sings a regretful lullaby.--the adjectives here and the phrasing comes off too over the top. This needs the images to do the work--more implying than spelling it out.
[/quote]
I do like this though. You can pare a few words here and there and let the imagery do more of the work( especially in the final strophe.
Nice reading you. I hope that was helpful and not too overwhelming.
Best,
Todd
Welcome to the forums! I'll give you a few comments.
quote='LaurieB' pid='101085' dateline='1345086338']
I have been on a bit of a break from writing poetry and have been busy with some professional articles and long fiction. I am not quite sure where my level of skill would fit in here, so I thought the Miscellaneous Thread was a good place to start.
This is something I whipped up today
Do You Ever Think Of Me?
On spring mornings when the dew is soft upon the newborn grass,-- I like how the title rolls into the first line. I also like the seasonal structure.
when possible feels as if it really may be--I'm mixed here. I think this is a nice observation, but I'd like it tied to an image or metaphor. It feels a bit abstract to have emotional impact. It engages the intellect but there is no surprise in it if that makes sense. I like the phrasing to some extent though.
and dancing irises nod their pretty heads flirtatiously.--pretty I like it.
On summer days when sunlight promises a loving touch,
when a burst of brilliance erupts up and over into this dimension
and a lifeless shadow shrugs indifference.
On autumn evenings when windswept leaves snap sharply,
when the untamed cyclone beats a rhythm of ambiguous words
and spirals high against the inadequate name of blue.--I like this last phrase
On winter nights when an icy bed of loneliness collects the silent tears,
when vicious blades of sorrow slice deep into the trench of despair
and the memory of a kiss sings a regretful lullaby.--the adjectives here and the phrasing comes off too over the top. This needs the images to do the work--more implying than spelling it out.
[/quote]
I do like this though. You can pare a few words here and there and let the imagery do more of the work( especially in the final strophe.
Nice reading you. I hope that was helpful and not too overwhelming.
Best,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson