Blue.

[Philatone]

hey timmy.


i feel as though a number of parts of this could be trimmed to really bring out the core of the piece (oh, and check grammar, punctuation, and such). i'm leaving a number of suggestions, but understand if not one of them meets your goals. i atleast hope they give you something to think about

How blues makes me feel...

Blue

You Twing, 'n' you Twang,
the end result being...how about dropping this line and comma from the one above: You Twing, 'n' you twang/ the sweetness of your color
the sweetness of your colour,
Siphoning the Mississippi blues from..would drop the "from" to the line below to emphasize the parallel structure (FROM your heart INTO my soul--don't need the "and")
Your heart and into my soul

as if it's your suffering that
transcends to make me whole;...need the "transcends"?
as if it was you who stole those
pieces of me that I'm missing! ...or "missing pieces of me"

'Coz ya brake me down
Like an old Sheffield chimney stack,
You Chisel at me until I fall,...need the comma?
Flatt (!) like the resonance of...need the (!)?
your bearded voice that,

Takes it toll on those...lower-case T. "takes it(s) toll" is not a very innovative phrase
hammered bones of
this, my blues bludgeoned face...the "this" makes the line a bit too heavy for me
that generously always gives me back,
all those little pieces of me
That I've always seemed…
to be missing ......again, the suggestion I gave for the other instance carries over to this
TDJ Tovey
2011

*Note: in reference to the Sheffield chimney stack bit, you need a quick history lesson. Sheffield, south Yorkshire England (home of AC/DC & Def Leppard) was a booming steel town, and during the 80's in thatcher's rain all the mills got closed down, and from this during my childhood in the 90's there where all these huge chimney stacks from the mills that where constently being ripped down, they made spectacles of it, you could go watch. They crumble like I crumble every time I listen to blues.

i like the energy and idea, but it's time to polish