Blue.

[tectak]

How blues makes me feel...
Hi timmy, I, too , am a lifelong blues fan, diverting in the sixties to the more cheery Rand B, but returning home once seniority began to weigh on me. The blues form is simplistic and full of resonant repeated riffs. Twing and Twang may be how my father heard it, but not me.....yet. Anyway, here goes.

Blue

You Twing, 'n' you Twang,Leave it alone, tec, he may be someone's father. Just not bluesy enough for me, but what the hell. Ears in ears.
the end result being
the sweetness of your colour,I like this. It implies some kind of phasia where sounds have taste.
Siphoning the Mississippi blues from
Your heart and into my soulglancing cliche but you are talking about the blues......more cliches than the Gideon's bible. Why capitalise "your". There really is no need. It causes a breath intake where none is needed

as if it's your suffering that and why this line break. We are no where near twelve-bar.
transcends to make me whole;
as if it was you who stole those
pieces of me that I'm missing! I can feel the concept but the rhythm is faulty here. I don't think you see this as a problem....in fact, I don't think you see it at all. So it must be me. More significantly this is a burst-verse stanza. It does not deserve its place as it is saying nothing that the last stanza will not say. The thought came and conquered you. Resistance is never futile

'Coz ya brake me downA lurching into vernacular is OK provided that it is not done gratuitously and leaves spelling intact. break. We are trying to get Blues and we are getting stars and stripes. What language is this anyway? The Blues is everyone's language, and so you may as well use your own. Doesn't sit easy with me.
Like an old Sheffield chimney stack,
You Chisel at me until I fall,Good stuff but the chisel is sharp enough with capitalising
Flatt (!) like the resonance of Flat.
your bearded voice that, This line NEEDS a capital letter and it does not need to be pulled away from its base. The following lines do not justify this stanza split.

Takes it toll on those
hammered bones of
this, my blues bludgeoned face
that generously always gives me back, "that" is a filler word. Reconstruction needed here.
all those little pieces of me
That I've always seemed… Why the capital again?
to be missing ... Good ending. Still think it needs a riff, though, especially as it is a repeated line. Dahdle-a-dahdle-a-dahdley-doo.

TDJ Tovey
2011
I know Sheffield well. I am a Yorkshire man. Good analogy. Nice work. Just pull the strings int tune and this will work. Best,
tectak
*Note: in reference to the Sheffield chimney stack bit, you need a quick history lesson. Sheffield, south Yorkshire England (home of AC/DC & Def Leppard) was a booming steel town, and during the 80's in thatcher's rain all the mills got closed down, and from this during my childhood in the 90's there where all these huge chimney stacks from the mills that where constently being ripped down, they made spectacles of it, you could go watch. They crumble like I crumble every time I listen to blues.