Hi Raymond,
I'd be tempted to take your first two lines and make them an italicized comment under the title with some minor editing and then start the poem with the later lines.
My general thought is that you've got some good humor in this. It would be stronger however if you cut the extra filler out that doesn't deal with the traffic, the annoyance and the gas.
For me your poem starts here:
Best,
Todd
I'd be tempted to take your first two lines and make them an italicized comment under the title with some minor editing and then start the poem with the later lines.
My general thought is that you've got some good humor in this. It would be stronger however if you cut the extra filler out that doesn't deal with the traffic, the annoyance and the gas.
For me your poem starts here:
(07-29-2012, 09:02 PM)raymond trevitt Wrote: The low gas indicator light turns itself on.Just some things to think about. I hope some of that is helpful.
I know without counting that I have $8.21 in my pocket.
Two gallons worth.
At a traffic light, some asshole is playing music I hate--maybe break the line on playing and let music I hate sit on its own line.
much too loud.
If the light does not turn green soon,--again to help the pace and tension maybe break on not
I may have to kill him.
Best,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson