07-29-2012, 07:33 PM
Nice poem.I think the opening states the case a bit too much.I'd call the poem "your hands" and do this
because I looked at them
and not your face,
the floor, my feet,
your hands
just a suggestion.
I like "covertly", maybe fingers is enough, rather than finger shapes.
I'd cut "softly to me" at the end of that verse.
Be nice to end at "back and forth", I think. Yet more ambivalence and the last 3 lines are edging dangerously close to Mills and Boon.
because I looked at them
and not your face,
the floor, my feet,
your hands
just a suggestion.
I like "covertly", maybe fingers is enough, rather than finger shapes.
I'd cut "softly to me" at the end of that verse.
Be nice to end at "back and forth", I think. Yet more ambivalence and the last 3 lines are edging dangerously close to Mills and Boon.
Before criticising a person, try walking a mile in their shoes. Then when you do criticise them, you're a mile away.....and you have their shoes.