corinth's poems

[corinth]

Hello Pig Pen People,

I love poetry that rhymes and uses a precisely controlled meter because such poetry reveals a tantalizing combination of reason, emotion, and concentration within the author's mind. I long to meet other writers who enjoy creating rhyming poems that take them hours to complete. I hope I will do so by posting some of my own poetry in this thread.

I'd appreciate any feedback you have to give. Also, if you are reading this and love to rhyme, please direct me to your poems or poetry threads so that I may return the favor by reading your works. - Cor

“Book Store Woman”

The knotted blue veins snaking under her skin
seem to want to bulge through and break out.
A move of her pale hand, twig-like and thin,
and the tendons–small chicken bones–sprout.
She’s old and she’s frail, yet a smile’s on her face,
which is soft as a white powder puff.
In her cloudy blue eyes there are veins I could trace,
if I didn’t know them well enough.

While she sits in her rocking chair minding her store,
filled with treasures that word-lovers crave,
behind her old bonnets catch dust on the door,
not the glances admirers once gave.
On the desk with the register pinging away
when a customer finds some old books,
from a small gilded picture frame, yellow and gray,
a photo of someone still looks.

Sweetly clothed in a white cotton dress with a plume
on her jaunty hat trimmed with fine lace,
smiles the old woman’s smile (and one wonders at whom)
from a beautiful, young woman’s face.
Just as smooth as my own and with bright eyes intent,
the face laughs, though that moment is gone,
and she’s sitting here still, looking quiet and content,
as if each day she treasures the dawn.

[billy]

Hello Pig Pen People,

I love poetry that rhymes and uses a precisely controlled meter because such poetry reveals a tantalizing combination of reason, emotion, and concentration within the author's mind. I long to meet other writers who enjoy creating rhyming poems that take them hours to complete. I hope I will do so by posting some of my own poetry in this thread.

I'd appreciate any feedback you have to give. Also, if you are reading this and love to rhyme, please direct me to your poems or poetry threads so that I may return the favor by reading your works. - Cor

“Book Store Woman”

The knotted blue veins snaking under her skin 11 syls
seem to want to bulge through and break out.9
A move of her pale hand, twig-like and thin,10
and the tendons–small chicken bones–sprout.9
She’s old and she’s frail, yet a smile’s on her face,
which is soft as a white powder puff.11
In her cloudy blue eyes there are veins I could trace,12
if I didn’t know them well enough.9

While she sits in her rocking chair minding her store,[12]
filled with treasures that word-lovers crave,
behind her old bonnets catch dust on the door,
not the glances admirers once gave.
On the desk with the register pinging away
when a customer finds some old books,
from a small gilded picture frame, yellow and gray,
a photo of someone still looks.

Sweetly clothed in a white cotton dress with a plume
on her jaunty hat trimmed with fine lace,
smiles the old woman’s smile (and one wonders at whom)
from a beautiful, young woman’s face.
Just as smooth as my own and with bright eyes intent,
the face laughs, though that moment is gone,
and she’s sitting here still, looking quiet and content,
as if each day she treasures the dawn.

hi corinth, no need to say corinth's poems, just put the title in the subject heading with your name like so.
Book Store Woman by Corinth. and everyone one will know whose it is great to have you here btw.

i enjoy all kinds of poetry, rhyme and non-rhyme alike.
for me the meter is a little jumpy, i put the syllable count at the end of the first verse line ends, that said the flow of the poem feels good.
the end rhymes are nailed perfect with just 1 slant rhyme in the last line.
you use veins twice in the first verse,(reiteration) for me the 1st use of it could be changed as the 2nd use is fantastic.

some of the lines are really really good, i loved the lines below

Sweetly clothed in a white cotton dress with a plume
on her jaunty hat trimmed with fine lace,
smiles the old woman’s smile (and one wonders at whom)
from a beautiful, young woman’s face.

and these;
While she sits in her rocking chair minding her store,[12]
filled with treasures that word-lovers crave,
behind her old bonnets catch dust on the door,
not the glances admirers once gave.

lots of original lines, i get the feel the poem is being written by the old lady herself. some of the images work really well in conveying a women in her later years who still has beauty, patience, and a love of books. a single woman perhaps who still has a smile in her heart.

thanks for the read

[heslopian]

I can't see a thing wrong with this. Meter is more Billy's forte. I fear I'm somewhat of a savage in the company of kings when it comes to form, which is why I tend to comment on stuff like storytelling and metaphor, which were both impressive here. This is a wonderful portrait piece of a personality type. Look forward to seeing more of your work, Corinth.

[addy]

Hello Pig Pen People,

I love poetry that rhymes and uses a precisely controlled meter because such poetry reveals a tantalizing combination of reason, emotion, and concentration within the author's mind. I long to meet other writers who enjoy creating rhyming poems that take them hours to complete. I hope I will do so by posting some of my own poetry in this thread.

I'd appreciate any feedback you have to give. Also, if you are reading this and love to rhyme, please direct me to your poems or poetry threads so that I may return the favor by reading your works. - Cor

“Book Store Woman”

The knotted blue veins snaking under her skin
seem to want to bulge through and break out. I think since you mean the veins are already bulging through, then saying "seem to want to break out" would suffice, though I understand you wrote it this way to keep the meter... just a minor nitpick.
A move of her pale hand, twig-like and thin,
and the tendons–small chicken bones–sprout.
She’s old and she’s frail, yet a smile’s on her face,
which is soft as a white powder puff.
In her cloudy blue eyes there are veins I could trace,
if I didn’t know them well enough. The imagery in these last four lines made me smile

While she sits in her rocking chair minding her store,
filled with treasures that word-lovers crave,
behind her old bonnets catch dust on the door,
not the glances admirers once gave. Witty, lovely, perfect
On the desk with the register pinging away
when a customer finds some old books,
from a small gilded picture frame, yellow and gray,
a photo of someone still looks. Didn't quite get this, but maybe I'm just slow

Sweetly clothed in a white cotton dress with a plume
on her jaunty hat trimmed with fine lace,
smiles the old woman’s smile (and one wonders at whom)
from a beautiful, young woman’s face.
Just as smooth as my own and with bright eyes intent,
the face laughs, though that moment is gone,
and she’s sitting here still, looking quiet and content,
as if each day she treasures the dawn.

A beautiful piece. If this old woman were real, I'd love to meet her

I like how the poem unfolded as well, the way the narrative opened up with lines that take in every little detail in her frame, her skin, her face... almost like we're being invited to read these small details like we would trace the paper pages of a book. Very, very nice.

[corinth]

Billy, Heslopian, and addy,

Thank you -- very, very belatedly -- for your helpful and thoughtful feedback on my poem. I apologize that I haven't returned in so long to return the favor of reading other people's poems with the care you gave mine. That was impolite of me.

Addy, the someone in the photo on the counter is a picture of the old woman herself as she looked when she was younger, which is described in the final stanza. I meant "a photo of someone still looks" to mean that the person's eyes in the photo are still looking outward. And yes, you were right about the reason I used "bulge through!"

[billy]

hi corinth, hope we get to read more of your poetry

[Chaotic Body]

The knotted blue veins snaking under her skin
seem to want to bulge through and break out.
A move of her pale hand, twig-like and thin,
and the tendons–small chicken bones–sprout.
She’s old and she’s frail, yet a smile’s on her face,
which is soft as a white powder puff.
In her cloudy blue eyes there are veins I could trace,
if I didn’t know them well enough.

I can hear someone singing it jumping with their voice like

She’s old and she’s frail, yet a smile’s on her face, (10 syllables quickly)
which is soft as a white powder puff.(9 syllables in 3s)

In her cloudy blue eyes there are veins I could trace, (12 syllables in 3s)
if I didn’t know them well enough.(9 syllables in 3s)

The last line there sounded slightly too long when I read at first
But it works if the singer is fast haha

This might have sounded weird just a thought. It reminded me of nursery rhymes because of the old lady which is one thing that sticks out from storybooks (old lady in the shoe? I should google it) and then I hit the line about the powder puff which sounds like a final ending punch for a nursery ryhme!

[Todd]

Hi Corinth,

Welcome! I really enjoyed how you characterized the woman and used the photo. I'll give you some comments below.

Hello Pig Pen People,

I love poetry that rhymes and uses a precisely controlled meter because such poetry reveals a tantalizing combination of reason, emotion, and concentration within the author's mind. I long to meet other writers who enjoy creating rhyming poems that take them hours to complete. I hope I will do so by posting some of my own poetry in this thread.

I'd appreciate any feedback you have to give. Also, if you are reading this and love to rhyme, please direct me to your poems or poetry threads so that I may return the favor by reading your works. - Cor

“Book Store Woman”

The knotted blue veins snaking under her skin--I love your enjambment, the image of the veins and snaking
seem to want to bulge through and break out.
A move of her pale hand, twig-like and thin,
and the tendons–small chicken bones–sprout.--I like the images but the words read a bit awkward
She’s old and she’s frail, yet a smile’s on her face,--the old and frail part is a bit of shorthand and it detracts from the imagery.
which is soft as a white powder puff.
In her cloudy blue eyes there are veins I could trace,
if I didn’t know them well enough.

While she sits in her rocking chair minding her store,
filled with treasures that word-lovers crave,
behind her old bonnets catch dust on the door,
not the glances admirers once gave.--I like how you express these lines
On the desk with the register pinging away
when a customer finds some old books,
from a small gilded picture frame, yellow and gray,
a photo of someone still looks.

Sweetly clothed in a white cotton dress with a plume
on her jaunty hat trimmed with fine lace,
smiles the old woman’s smile (and one wonders at whom)--nice parenthetical touch
from a beautiful, young woman’s face.--beautiful is actually a bit vague something more specific
Just as smooth as my own and with bright eyes intent,--nice
the face laughs, though that moment is gone,
and she’s sitting here still, looking quiet and content,
as if each day she treasures the dawn.

I enjoyed the read. I hope some of these comments will be helpful.

Best,

Todd

[Philatone]

hello corinth!
some thoughts to share

Hello Pig Pen People,

I love poetry that rhymes and uses a precisely controlled meter because such poetry reveals a tantalizing combination of reason, emotion, and concentration within the author's mind. I long to meet other writers who enjoy creating rhyming poems that take them hours to complete. I hope I will do so by posting some of my own poetry in this thread.

I'd appreciate any feedback you have to give. Also, if you are reading this and love to rhyme, please direct me to your poems or poetry threads so that I may return the favor by reading your works. - Cor

“Book Store Woman”

The knotted blue veins snaking under her skin...the "knotted" and "snaking" felt contradictory, but worked to make the image more grotesque
seem to want to bulge through and break out. ..."seem to want" feels weak; I would prefer something that either "happens" or "doesn't"
A move of her pale hand, twig-like and thin,
and the tendons–small chicken bones–sprout.
She’s old and she’s frail, yet a smile’s on her face,
which is soft as a white powder puff.
In her cloudy blue eyes there are veins I could trace, ...lots of "blue" and "veins" so far.
if I didn’t know them well enough.

...to this point, there is heavy description but little action. it can risk alienating the reader to a degree when done excessively

While she sits in her rocking chair minding her store,
filled with treasures that word-lovers crave,...I'm curious about what those "treasures" may be
behind her old bonnets catch dust on the door,
not the glances admirers once gave....nice play
On the desk with the register pinging away
when a customer finds some old books,
from a small gilded picture frame, yellow and gray,
a photo of someone still looks....like the line. These last four lines of the stanza are missing a main verb in the main clause

Sweetly clothed in a white cotton dress with a plume
on her jaunty hat trimmed with fine lace,
smiles the old woman’s smile (and one wonders at whom)
from a beautiful, young woman’s face.
Just as smooth as my own and with bright eyes intent,
the face laughs, though that moment is gone,
and she’s sitting here still, looking quiet and content,
as if each day she treasures the dawn. ...again, already saw "treasures;" I think another word can strengthen the piece unless you really want to compare how the two uses are different

as I said earlier, I see pleasant and nicely written, but heavy, description, which can be fine, but can this description occur during some kind of context or situation? otherwise, it became a bit difficult for me to attach myself to

[tectak]

Hello Pig Pen People,

I love poetry that rhymes and uses a precisely controlled meter because such poetry reveals a tantalizing combination of reason, emotion, and concentration within the author's mind. I long to meet other writers who enjoy creating rhyming poems that take them hours to complete. I hope I will do so by posting some of my own poetry in this thread.

I'd appreciate any feedback you have to give. Also, if you are reading this and love to rhyme, please direct me to your poems or poetry threads so that I may return the favor by reading your works. - Cor

“Book Store Woman”

The knotted blue veins snaking under her skin 10 drop "the"
seem to want to bulge through and break out.9
A move of her pale hand, twig-like and thin,9drop pale
and the tendons–small chicken bones–sprout.9
She’s old and she’s frail, yet a smile’s on her face,
which is soft as a white powder puff.11
In her cloudy blue eyes there are veins I could trace,
if I didn’t know them well enough.9 try "but no need as I know them enough"

While she sits in her rocking chair minding her store,[12]
filled with treasures that word-lovers crave,
behind her old bonnets catch dust on the door,comma after "her"
not the glances admirers once gave.
On the desk with the register pinging away
when a customer finds some old books,
from a small gilded picture frame, yellow and gray,
a photo of someone still looks.try "a face through the misted glass looks". Only a suggestion as photos don't look, but the image on them does.Watch out for yoda-speak cries!

Sweetly clothed in a white cotton dress with a plumecomma after plume unless the plume is on her dress
on her jaunty hat trimmed with fine lace,
smiles the old woman’s smile (and one wonders at whom) try " an old woman smiles (and one wonders at whom)
from a beautiful, young woman’s face.
Just as smooth as my own and with bright eyes intent,
the face laughs, though that moment is gone,maybe end this line with a semi-colon as the next line is not additive yet begins with "and"
and she’s sitting here still, looking quiet and content,
as if each day she treasures the dawn.

hi corinth, no need to say corinth's poems, just put the title in the subject heading with your name like so.
Book Store Woman by Corinth. and everyone one will know whose it is great to have you here btw.

i enjoy all kinds of poetry, rhyme and non-rhyme alike.
for me the meter is a little jumpy, i put the syllable count at the end of the first verse line ends, that said the flow of the poem feels good.
the end rhymes are nailed perfect with just 1 slant rhyme in the last line.
you use veins twice in the first verse,(reiteration) for me the 1st use of it could be changed as the 2nd use is fantastic.

some of the lines are really really good, i loved the lines below

Sweetly clothed in a white cotton dress with a plume
on her jaunty hat trimmed with fine lace,
smiles the old woman’s smile (and one wonders at whom)
from a beautiful, young woman’s face.

and these;
While she sits in her rocking chair minding her store,[12]
filled with treasures that word-lovers crave,
behind her old bonnets catch dust on the door,[b]comma after "her"
not the glances admirers once gave.[/b]

lots of original lines, i get the feel the poem is being written by the old lady herself. some of the images work really well in conveying a women in her later years who still has beauty, patience, and a love of books. a single woman perhaps who still has a smile in her heart.

thanks for the read

Hi Corinth.
We should get on well. I cannot agree that taking hours to write a piece fills me with expectations of joy....but writing poetry....ESPECIALLY rhyming verse.....does make time fly.
I thoroughly enjoyed the piece. The "diddly-dah, dah-diddly dah, dah diddly diddly dah" though "jack and jill" like is very compulsive. You will be eaten by trochees and dactyls on this site if you go down to the serious crit, but that will not worry you. I ,too, dammit, like poetry that RHYMES and so I can forgive almost anything without going spoon-moon about it.
Just one caution. Be very sure that sticking rigidly (though you didn't in this piece. See billies(?) counts) to a meter does not cramp your art. Nothing worse except cockney rhyming slang!
I hope you will post much more.
Best,
tectak

[billy]

i think tectak makes a good point. while things like meter and such generally work better if done to a pattern, (iambic pentameter etc)
there must be times when a deviation will add something. (that's what leanne says and she's pretty knowledgeable on the stuff.