Dress Code

[Philatone]

V.2
S.2 l2 removed "the"
last line: switched "or" to "and"

S.4 last line
switched "sun" comparison to "carp in a pond"; switched carp in a pond to "a neighbor paints...railing"

S7. all new

S.8 new close with "dog" image

Dress Code


Uniforms did not stop
pimples in middle school
or ease swelling
in the playground;

when the bee stung your forehead,
your eye closed
like a red balloon,
floating through the stairwells
to the nurse for a shot
and a phone call home.

No uniform
I ever saw
hid crooked teeth or braces,
hair cuts or broken arms;

everyone wearing
everyone else's clothes
made those things bolder
the way a neighbor
paints over the rust on a railing,

so it was no surprise
when the names followed you
into the classroom, cluttered your desk
and waited at your locker.

"Alien" was the most popular,
followed by "Cyclops"
or (the less creative)
"Freak."

At first, the teacher
had to peel you away
from the bathroom mirror;
walked you to class
along a carpeted plank.

You shed the titles
when your eye opened;
returned them to their owners
like a dog
waiting to be taken off the leash.


-----------------------
Original


Uniforms did not stop
pimples in middle school
or ease swelling
in the playground;

when the bee stung your forehead,
your eye was closed
like a red balloon,
floating through the stairwells
to the nurse for a shot
or phone call home.

No uniform
I ever saw
hid crooked teeth or braces,
hair cuts or broken arms;

everyone wearing
everyone else's clothes
made those things bolder
as a shot of sun
in an afternoon hallway,

so it was no surprise
when the names followed you
into the classroom, cluttered your desk
and waited at your locker.

"Alien" was the most popular,
followed by "Cyclops"
or the less creative
"Freak."

You shed
and returned them to their owners
when your eye opened,

and it stained
the only shirts
they ever wore to school
that year.

[Leanne]

This is a fascinating mapping, passing events through the uniform filter -- we've always had compulsory uniforms here and I quite like them myself, but this does make me think about the way in which kids will pick out any point of difference, no matter how much the Powers That Be insist that everyone is "the same". I have only very small suggestions to make, mostly on points of break and grammar (of course!).

Uniforms did not stop
pimples in middle school
or ease swelling
in the playground;

when the bee stung your forehead,
your eye was closed -- do you need "was" here? Just "closed" gives it a bit more immediate action, even though it's still past tense.
like a red balloon,
floating through the stairwells
to the nurse for a shot
or phone call home. -- I keep wanting it to read "or a phone call"

No uniform
I ever saw
hid crooked teeth or braces,
hair cuts or broken arms;

everyone wearing
everyone else's clothes -- I really like this insight
made those things bolder
as a shot of sun
in an afternoon hallway,

so it was no surprise
when the names followed you
into the classroom, cluttered your desk
and waited at your locker.

"Alien" was the most popular,
followed by "Cyclops"
or the less creative -- I wonder how this would be if it were or (the less creative) as an aside, maybe giving it a touch of sarcasm?
"Freak."

You shed
and returned them to their owners -- these lines strike me as a bit awkward, maybe something like:

You shed them,
returned them to their owners
when your eye opened,

and it stained -- I'd probably remove this break, make this one long(ish) line
the only shirts
they ever wore to school
that year.

[popeye]

Most enjoyable read Geoff, it doesn't take much to look different in a uniform!

[rayheinrich]

I'd get rid of the last four lines; they're melodramatic and a bit too
much like a summation (which I dislike). I'd also insert an additional
stanza between ' "Freak." ' and 'You shed'. Something that adds a
few more images to the story.

[Erthona]

"I'd get rid of the last four lines; they're melodramatic and a bit too
much like a summation"

Concur.

Nice Geoff.
--------------------------------------------
This is problematic:

"made those things bolder
as a shot of sun
in an afternoon hallway,"

maybe

made things (colors?) bolder;
like a shot of sun
in an afternoon hallway,


Dale

PS I have not been able to get to commenting on all of it, but I have noticed that you have been turning out some really nice pieces.

[tectak]

Uniforms did not stop
pimples in middle school
or ease swelling
in the playground;
Now this stanza is just fine but I am sure that there are interpretive allusions regarding that swelling in the playground! Long, tight trousers are bad for boy at that interesting stage of development
when the bee stung your forehead,Oooops! I see..it's er...a bee-sting. Sorry, my mistake. See what I mean? Try "pimples when" but the swelling in the playground remains a delightful problem"
your eye was closed
like a red balloon,
floating through the stairwells
to the nurse for a shot
or phone call home. There should be no choice here. What do you want, young man, a shot or a phone call home". Both I would think. So "and"?

No uniform
I ever saw
hid crooked teeth or braces,
hair cuts or broken arms;

everyone wearing
everyone else's clothesvery good. Emotive recall. Accumulative effect.
made those things bolder
as a shot of sunshot twice
in an afternoon hallway,

so it was no surprise
when the names followed you
into the classroom, cluttered your desk
and waited at your locker.

"Alien" was the most popular,
followed by "Cyclops"
or the less creative
"Freak." for me,omit this stanza

You shednot clear here
and returned them to their owners
when your eye opened,its still there but I am going to get lost, I just know it

and it stained
the only shirts
they ever wore to school
that year. good but now unrelated stanza due to my buggering up your train of though. It is not derailed but I don't think you can get here from there!

A very worthy effort which suited me. I enjoy these cameos immensely as I cannot write them. I was still of a mind to get on my old nag and ride you on line length and punctuation but am no longer as passionate as I was and you have made good.
Best,
tectak[/b]

[Wildcard]

Hi Geoff,

I'm reading along loving this poem and then I get to the last two stanzas and I can't figure out what is happening. I know it's probably just my inexperience in reading poetry, but until that point I'm getting a story about a child that gets stung on the eye at school interlaced with a subtext of uniforms not performing their intended purpose (a very washed down version of your much more elegant theme, sorry ) and then suddenly:

You shed
and returned them to their owners
when your eye opened,

and it stained
the only shirts
they ever wore to school
that year.

'Shed' - Takes off the uniform? Like breaking a yolk?
'returned them to their owners' - the school? the man?

and then the eye opens and stains the uniform?

The thing is, if it wasn't an intriguing and well-written poem I wouldn't care so much, which speaks of your considerable skill. I just don't get the last two stanzas of this one

Thanks for sharing.

[Philatone]

leanne-
a number of your suggestions I actually had originally, only to backtrack on. thanks for the support to change them back, as well as the feedback in general. always helpful!

popeye/ jiminy (right?
could not agree more! thanks so much for the time

ray
thanks for the input on the last stanza, will certainly consider it

erthona
as with ray, am going to re-examine the last stanza. will also take a look at the "bold" bit with the sun. appreciate your final comment so much! it comes at a time I feel much the opposite, so is certainly great to hear

tec
seems like I took you on a bit of an adventure in the beginning. as always, your crit is valuable. I'm not sure if I'll delete that one stanza yet, especially with the last one receiving more pokes, but am not throwing the idea away yet. many of the other suggestions I can definitely use

mark
am going to take time to make some changes; hopefully that will clear things for you! thanks for your time; always a pleasure and helpful to have your feedback

[Philatone]

hopefully addressed a majority of your comments; again, thanks for the feedback all. if something still isn't going, am always open for edits

[rayheinrich]

Like the revised version except that last line in the 3rd stanza.
Carp igniting a pond is too removed from the subject matter
(and a bit over-the-top).

everyone wearing
everyone else's clothes
made those things bolder
the way carp ignite a pond,


The original, not that I loved it that much, was better.
What I didn't like there was "shot".

everyone wearing
everyone else's clothes
made those things bolder
as a shot of sun
in an afternoon hallway,


Come up with another metaphor about plain stuff making
odd stuff stand out. What's wrong with both of the previous
ones is that they're trying too hard. Make it simple, not flashy.

[Philatone]

fair enough; was debating the same point myself.
gotta start following my gut a little more often..

[rayheinrich]

.
"the way a neighbor
paints over the rust on a railing,"

BINGO! You got it.

I definitely like the poem now but (without "but"'s is without wondering),
don't you think it just cries out for 1st person? :

    ...

    so it was no surprise
    when the names followed me
    into the classroom, cluttered my desk
    and waited at my locker.

    ...