Uneducate
#1
V. 2 last 2 lines of S.1 altered

Uneducate
I want to lose everything
and stumble downstairs for
my belt, my wallet,
my shoes.

Like a sailor, I am unaware
how many waves have passed
when suddenly
their backs have carried me to shore.

As the wind lifts feathers
and the air allows breath,
how could I forget these things,

molding dawns into Mayflowers
instead of seeing the sun rise?

I wish to unlearn
the little poetry at my side;
to forget her face
like an autograph in a yearbook;
I wish to believe
rain is water falling; otherwise,

belts turn into lightning
cocked like a gun in
the hand of my father;

nothing like
the grip that held me
up the halls of high school.


_______________________
Original

I want to lose everything
and stumble downstairs for
my belt, my shoes,
my house.

Like a sailor, I am unaware
how many waves have passed
when suddenly
their backs have carried me to shore.

As the wind lifts feathers
and the air allows breath,
how could I forget these things,

molding dawns into Mayflowers
instead of seeing the sun rise?

I wish to unlearn
the little poetry at my side;
to forget her face
like an autograph in a yearbook;
I wish to believe
rain is water falling; otherwise,

belts turn into lightning
cocked like a gun in
the hand of my father;

nothing like
the grip that held me
up the halls of high school.
Written only for you to consider.
Reply
#2
(02-04-2012, 02:55 PM)Philatone Wrote:  I want to lose everything
and stumble downstairs for
my belt, my shoes,
my house. a question comes to mind, why this?

Like a sailor, I am unaware
how many waves have passed
when suddenly
their backs have carried me to shore.

As the wind lifts feathers
and the air allows breath,
how could I forget these things,

molding dawns into Mayflowers
instead of seeing the sun rise?

I wish to unlearn
the little poetry at my side;
to forget her face
like an autograph in a yearbook;
I wish to believe
rain is water falling; otherwise,

belts turn into lightning
cocked like a gun in
the hand of my father; for me this is a strong verse, and i felt it would have made a great opening. would 'in' on the 2nd line work better on the 3rd?

nothing like
the grip that held me
up the halls of high school. would this work as part of the 6th stanza?
overall i enjoyed the poem and though the 1st stanza began well, i was stalled after the 1st 3 lines. i really enjoyed the 6th stanza for me it would make a great opening stanza. i can't see anything drastic that needs changing but the house line threw me a little
thanks for the read.
Reply
#3
appreciate the thughts billy. For now, i'm going to address the other suggestions you made--S. 6 could certainly be an opening, but I think I'd have to adjust other bits and that will take some time. thanks so much
Written only for you to consider.
Reply
#4
Nice poem Phil, the only problem I had was with

"nothing like
the grip that held me
up the halls of high school."

I really don't know what you mean here.

Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?

The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
Reply
#5
the 1st stanza is working better now (jmo)
Reply




Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)
Do NOT follow this link or you will be banned from the site!