Summer's Day

[heslopian]

If I talk to you of dark nights,
swollen clouds and frozen moons,
you would not believe the truth of pain
is light and heat. An immortal summer's day
shines on every part of me, nourishing the bleakest tree,
teasing new leaves from old wombs.
Love cannot survive the sun,
but yearns for the quietus of a slim, contented soul.
And when denied this simple want its wayward child Hate
exposes every wound, seeking faith in destruction.
This is the truth of my pain, at least.
A polite nastiness not uncommon to the British
peppers the broth of my soul.
I want to resurrect our wretched Empire,
sell slaves to America, tear husband from wife,
gnarled hand from gnarled hand. Abolish the gestures of care.
If manhood is defined by hate and ignorance
I'll be John fucking Wayne,
pressing the dagger into Juliet's hand.
My immortal summer's day will know no frozen moons.

[billy]

it's weird how a title makes you think oh look another of of those poems. and for me this title does.

i really enjoyed the solid images in the last half the poem (from 'a polite nastiness')
i also enjoyed a lot of what went on before that but a few of the undefinable things left me wanting details.

i did like teasing new leaves from old wombs. and but yearns for the quietus of a slim, contented soul.

while Love cannot survive the sun, felt a bit cliché

all in all i thought it a pretty good write. with good flow.

thanks for the read.

[heslopian]

Thanks for the feedback Bilbo

[Erthona]

Ah, love so unrequited, turns to hate so uninvited, and whisks the world away, in a year or in a day? It matters not, come what may, for within each soul are the seeds for his destruction.

There are a number of themes that seem to run through this. Love, lust, innocence, loss of innocence and so on. You make a big shift midway in the poem going from Aphrodite to Aries, creating very shocking images that speak to the way we feel in those. They have to be big because we feel like we have anger enough to melt the whole world. I like the way you did that.

Dale

[heslopian]

Thanks for the kind words and feedback, Erthona

[Philatone]

hey! just a mild line-by

If I talk to you of dark nights,
swollen clouds and frozen moons, ...I think this refreshing images would make a stronger line to start with; e.g. "If I talk to you of swollen...."
you would not believe the truth of pain
is light and heat. An immortal summer's day
shines on every part of me, nourishing the bleakest tree,
teasing new leaves from old wombs. ...enjoyed this line
Love cannot survive the sun,
but yearns for the quietus of a slim, contented soul.
And when denied this simple want its wayward child Hate
exposes every wound, seeking faith in destruction.
This is the truth of my pain, at least. ..to this point, I sense a lot of ideas and theories, but had little to grab
A polite nastiness not uncommon to the British ...from this line forward, it is almost a new poem and it seems like you are really hitting your stride. the first half is not unnecessary, but this really is the meat here, and I would like more of its bulk to carry over to the whole piece
peppers the broth of my soul.
I want to resurrect our wretched Empire,
sell slaves to America, tear husband from wife,
gnarled hand from gnarled hand. Abolish the gestures of care.
If manhood is defined by hate and ignorance
I'll be John fucking Wayne,
pressing the dagger into Juliet's hand.
My immortal summer's day will know no frozen moons.

[Roy Hobbs]

If I talk to you of dark nights,
swollen clouds and frozen moons,
you would not believe the truth of pain
**
I'm trying, as I write, to move this into
the ordinary conditional column and out of
the logical conditional one. Context might
help, but in the mean, I'll go with first
impression.

The base is a logical conditional.

"If I talk; then, you won't believe."
or
"If Aristotle played the taws on the
bottom of a king; then, I live in Kansas."

The ordinary conditional as tautology, "If
you take the last piece of cake; then, none
will be left." Minus the tautology, "If you
take an Tums, your indigestion will ease."

Your poem sets the logical conditional in
motion. This motion carries through the poem.
***
is light and heat. An immortal summer's day
shines on every part of me, nourishing the bleakest tree,
**
we have 'shines' and 'nourishing.'
As a verb ending in 'ing'-- a verb-cluster-- the
reference must point back to 'me,' but it points
ahead to a tree. So, we need a compound predicate--
'shines on me and nourishes a tree.'

shines and nourishes
**
teasing new leaves from old wombs.
**
'nourishing and teasing'
**
Love cannot survive the sun,
but yearns for the quietus of a slim, contented soul.
**
another subsequent unprepared for by the antecedent
clause.

(I know this is poetry, and poetry has impunity
or it never would have survived the trip from
the Abbevillian(sp?) caves.
**
And when denied this simple want{{,}} its wayward
child{{,}} Hate exposes every wound, seeking faith
**
what is seeking faith? the wound? Idf it is Hate
doing the seeking, we need a preposition.. "Hate
exposes every would 'by' seeking faith.

I find a 'base' analysis, as if the poem were prose,
help clarify, so that more mystery may arise from the
poem. Mystery only comes if vision is clear.
**
in destruction.
This is the truth of my pain, at least.
**
I like the masked 'a fortiori' here.
**
A polite nastiness
**
Ha! a contradictio in adjecto."-- the unsaying
of a noun by a contradictory adjective(see
Romeo's lament).
**
not uncommon to the British
peppers the broth of my soul.
**
A polite nastiness peppers the broth ...
excellent!
**
I want to resurrect our wretched Empire,
sell slaves to America, tear husband from wife,
**
hardly polite nastiness-- you want something else.
**
gnarled hand from gnarled hand. Abolish the gestures of care.
If manhood is defined by hate and ignorance
I'll be John fucking Wayne, (no comma)
**
Logical or ordinary conditional?
**
pressing the dagger into Juliet's hand.
My immortal summer's day will know no frozen moons.
**
Apparently, the narrator is upset (litotes).

RH

[addy]

Agree with billy, definitely did not expect this piece from the title. I really like many of the elements here, and I could only offer a few surface suggestions

If I talk to you of dark nights, What if you get rid of "nights" altogether? (If I talk to you of dark // swollen clouds and frozen moons) Just a thought
swollen clouds and frozen moons,
you would not believe the truth of pain
is light and heat. An immortal summer's day
shines on every part of me, nourishing the bleakest tree,
teasing new leaves from old wombs. Lovely imagery
Love cannot survive the sun, This is a total nitpick... I think this line could work well as a freestanding sentence. So it'll read as "Love cannot survive the sun. //It yearns for the quiet of a slim, contented soul// and when denied...". It works well as is, though
but yearns for the quietus of a slim, contented soul.
And when denied this simple want its wayward child Hate
exposes every wound, seeking faith in destruction.
This is the truth of my pain, at least.
A polite nastiness not uncommon to the British
peppers the broth of my soul.
I want to resurrect our wretched Empire,
sell slaves to America, tear husband from wife,
gnarled hand from gnarled hand. Abolish the gestures of care.
If manhood is defined by hate and ignorance
I'll be John fucking Wayne,
pressing the dagger into Juliet's hand. Wow. Really great stuff here. Imo, you can end the poem on this penultimate line instead, to leave it hanging on edge. Up to you though
My immortal summer's day will know no frozen moons.

[Bronte]

A lot to like in this, with thought new line breaks can make it stronger I have bolded a few words for your consideration.. the tense of it seemed off in places. edit done and shown below, see example .
would I have liked to have written this one? yes -

If I talk to you of dark nights,
swollen clouds and frozen moons,

you would not believe the truth of pain
is light and heat. An immortal summer's day
shines on every part of me, nourishing the bleakest tree,
teasing new leaves from old wombs.
Love cannot survive the sun,
but yearns for the quietus of a slim, contented soul.
And when denied this simple want its wayward child Hate
exposes every wound, seeking faith in destruction.
This is the truth of my pain, at least.
A polite nastiness not uncommon to the British
peppers the broth of my soul.
I want to resurrect our wretched Empire,
sell slaves to America, tear husband from wife,
gnarled hand from gnarled hand. Abolish the gestures of care.
If manhood is defined by hate and ignorance
I'll be John fucking Wayne,
pressing the dagger into Juliet's hand.
My immortal summer's day will know no frozen moons.

You will not believe the truth of pain is light
and heat, this immortal summer day
shines on every part of me, nourishing;
the bleakest tree spearing new leaves from old
wounds. Love cannot survive the sun
but yearns for the quietus of a slim contented soul.
And when denied this simple want
its wayward child Hate exposes every lesion
seeking faith in destruction. This is the truth of my pain
a polite nastiness not uncommon to the British
peppers the broth in my soul. I want to resurrect
our wretched Empire and sell slaves to America
tear husband from wife, gnarled hand from gnarled hand.
Abolish all gestures;
if manhood is defined by hate and ignorance
I'll be John fucking Wayne pressing the dagger
into Juliet's hand, my immortal summer's day
will know no frozen moons.

[heslopian]

Thank you very much Philatone, Hobbs, addy and Bronte for your kind and thoughtful critiques of my work Hobbs, could you please explain to me what you mean by logical and ordinary conditionals?

[Roy Hobbs]

Thank you very much Philatone, Hobbs, addy and Bronte for your kind and thoughtful critiques of my work Hobbs, could you please explain to me what you mean by logical and ordinary conditionals?

*********
One assesses the relationship between the two clauses--
if there is a causal implication it's an ordinary con-
ditional--

If you drink that, you'll get sick. (ordinary)

If a rather 'silly' connection or no connection
at all, it's logical.

If this ocean is called the Atlantic, I'm the
King of Avalon. (logical)

Odd that the most unlogical sounding is the logical
one. This is due to what's known as the 'truth tables,'
which run through true and false statement (sentential
logic). 'Logical' has another meaning ...

Delighted,
rh

[heslopian]

I see. Thank you very much for explaining