Poem. "Couple"

[Loveblind]

Hi, I just wanted to say something, before I posted my poem. I came across(Billy's account) on yahoo answers. After, I was looking at other people's poem and noticed how people usually don't take the time out, to help people and give real critique. I am in Jr High and I`m trying to learn how to write poetry(really for myself) . Thanks..


Couple.
By Jessica/Jan 2010.


Exchanges of heated words,
fuel burning,
candle lights fading,


bickering back and forth,
constant rain pouring,
speed of lightning added,
tears rapidly approaching,
blood pressure boiling,


though rocks have fallen,
And gray has covered the sky,
they bought out the sun,

but, the shine shattered into piece,
the waves destroyed the picture,
strengthens of the waves over powered,
the picture decreasing
two faces left confused,
in a daze,
with no options,
no directions,
nor choices,
or motives,

[billy]

Hi, I just wanted to say something, before I posted my poem. I came across(Billy's account) on yahoo answers. After, I was looking at other people's poem and noticed how people usually don't take the time out, to help people and give real critique. I am in Jr High and I`m trying to learn how to write poetry(really for myself) . Thanks..


Couple.
By Jessica/Jan 2010.


Exchanges of heated words,
fuel burning,
candle light fading,


bickering back and forth,
constant rain pouring,
speed of lightning added,
tears rapidly approaching,
blood pressure boiling,


though rocks have fallen,
And gray has covered the sky,
they brought out the sun,

but, the shine shattered into pieces,
the waves destroyed the picture,
strengthens of the waves over powered,
the picture decreasing
two faces left confused,
in a daze,
with no options,
no directions,
nor choices,
or motives,

the actual form of the poem is refreshing.
so often people think end rhyme is the only option.
because it's mild crit i'll just try and explain one or two things of what i see on the poem jessica.

to many gerunds (words ending with ing)
ie; burning=burns, fading=fades/faded, pouring=pours/poured etc.

try to show us an image or two telling us what happened works is some poetry but a general rule of thumb is to try show an image or two.

ie; you say; exchanges of heated words.
you could have shown us an image as in; our words were barbs on wire. or. we were oral assassins.

i think you can release the good poem in the words you wrote. it's def in there waiting

if you want to workshop it i'll try and help and i know addy will when she gets on line. just a little bit at a time. thats all it takes.

always remember that the final say of what you do in an edit rests with you the author.
glad you joined.



beware the spelling mistakes

[Larry]

Nice poem! One part lost me, though:

but, the shine shattered into piece,
the waves destroyed the picture,
strengthens of the waves over powered,
the picture decreasing


I don't think you need the fourth line, to be honest.
The second half of the poem looks like it could use
Cleaning up, some spelling errors, but overall
I enjoyed it!

[addy]

Very inventive poem. Like the others said, it could still be tightened up. When you're trying to build the tension into a crescendo, your lines, too, should start sounding more urgent and direct. (ex., instead of "the waves destroyed the picture", how about "waves batter the picture"?)

Also pay attention to your tenses. Your poem starts out in present tense, but by the end you've switched to past tense.But anyway, with those minor tweaks, you've really got something here.

Thanks for sharing!

[Loveblind]

Thanks for the feed back guys, I will be fixing it up!