Rabbit (REVISION)

[mroning tide]

EDIT 3
Fear has spoken you
fashioning eyes and ears
lacing cold quicksilver through sinew
cast out your dark affirmations
which draw you quarry to hunter
step down
this vigil
this lifetime of atonement

EDIT 2
Fear has spoken you
fashioning eyes and ears
lacing cold quicksilver through sinews
cast out your dark poetry
which draws you quarry to hunter
step down
this vigil
this lifetime of atonement

EDIT 1
Fear has spoken you
fashioning eyes and ears
lacing cold quicksilver through sinews
cast out your dark poetry
which draws you as quarry to your hunter
step down
this vigil
this lifetime of atonement

ORIGINAL
Fear has spoken you
fashioning your eyes and ears
lacing cold quicksilver through your sinews
cast out your dark poetry
which draws you as quarry to your hunter
step down
this vigil
this lifetime of atonement

[billy]

i like the enjambment in the 1st line
if i have a nit it's the word poetry in a poem titled rabbit
but it's only a small nit, actually i'll take that back poetry does work.
the poetry of the rabbit. it works very well.
is 'your' needed on the 2nd line? it feels redundant.
i'm struggling to give any constructive feedback
for me it's good poem and works on more than one level,
they're are more rabbit than just rabbits.
the more i read it the better it gets
thanks for a great read (jmo)

[mroning tide]

Hi Billy
Thanks for the feedback I took your advice and have tried it without 'your' eyes and also cut 'your' sinews...not literally I think this might be the beginning of something lengthier.
Thanks

[billy]

it feels tighter which works well with the use of sinew.

[Leanne]

Excellent opening line, morning tide, that gives a strong stone to build the rest of the poem upon. I do find L5 a little too long in comparison with the rest of the poem -- since you've no punctuation through the piece, my suggestion is either one line:

which draws you quarry to hunter

or break it into two:

which draws you
quarry to hunter

I also want to read "step down from" in L6, but that's of no real importance, it's just my personal preference.

The last line is the perfect partner to the first, which makes this a nicely contained poem with a very well developed and executed metaphor. Thanks for the read, it was greatly enjoyed.

[mroning tide]

Hi Leanne
Thanks for your feedback I took your advice about the line re quarry/hunter and like it much better that way with 'as' and 'your' removed, much neater and offers greater possibilities for interpretation. Thanks

[billy]

i think your edits show that sometimes, less is more.

[Leanne]

Indeed, it's looking good

It always had good bones, just needed to get rid of that little bit of extra flesh.

[mroning tide]

Thanks Leanne I love this forum, just working up the courage to start commenting on the work of others

[billy]

just do it m.t. we're all looking forward to it

[mroning tide]

fear has spoken lacing eyes and ears,
coursing quicksilver through sinew mapped flesh
all that is seen is already gone
all that is heard is already past

dark affirmations bait the treason
of a feint heart, that holds you quarry, bound
rest now, stand down your watch, your lifetime of vigilance
it was only your fear that was the hawker

[billy]

for me it's becoming a different poem. which is good in many ways, the poet evolves with their poetry.

this version has more of a bite. it's imagery isn't as strong as it could be but the poem feels a lot stronger.

now to the feedback on the poem proper;

fear has spoken lacing eyes and ears,
coursing quicksilver through sinew mapped flesh
all that is seen is already gone
all that is heard is already past
i think the enjambment could be improved, eg;

fear has spoken
lacing eyes and ears,
coursing quicksilver
through sinew mapped flesh
the last two lines feel a bit weak. can you find a stronger way to say the same thing ie;

vision already past
sound, already gone

dark affirmations bait the treason
of a feint heart, that holds you quarry, bound is 'that needed'?
rest now, stand down your watch, your lifetime of vigilance
it was only your fear that was the hawker does this line add anything, for me it takes more from the poem than it gives.
again in the 2nd, for me enjambment would improve the read. eg;

dark affirmations bait
the treason of a feint heart,
holds you quarry-bound
rest now, stand down your watch,
your lifetime of vigilance.

all just ideas to dismiss or use. the only way i could think of to show the enjambment was to show it, every single word is yours.
i think this version is a real improvement for me it's deeper and more profound. jmo.

ps, enjambment isn't a catch all save all, what really makes this a poem is your use of poetic device

[addy]

I agree the poem has changed and improved drastically... deep, unsettling and potent.

fear has spoken you could put a comma her, but in all honesty I'm lukewarm about "fear has spoken", the phrasing robs it of urgency lacing eyes and ears,
coursing quicksilver through sinew mapped flesh
all that is seen is already gone
all that is heard is already past love these two lines

dark affirmations bait the treason
of a feint is this "feint" or "faint"? heart, that holds you quarry, bound
rest now, stand down your watch, your lifetime of vigilance
it was only your fear that was the hawker Is the hunter "fear" the same "fear" that also instructs the rabbit at the beginning? Maybe use a different term for one of the instances

[Todd]

EDIT 3
Fear has spoken you
fashioning eyes and ears
lacing cold quicksilver through sinew
cast out your dark affirmations
which draw you quarry to hunter
step down
this vigil
this lifetime of atonement

Hi mroning,

I've come late to this so I'll confine my comments to the latest version.

So, when I read your first line it's like your saying that fear has spoken you into existence. When I get to line 2 I'd like to see you intermingle fear into the creation of the eyes and ears. There are thousands of alternatives choose one to convey speed and terror like you do in line 3. The line as you have it feels too much like it's conveying information rather than heightening the mood.

Line 3 is excellent exactly what this poem is looking for.
Line 4 you could probably cut your
Line 5 reads alright. I keep wanting to add an as before quarry.
Last 3 lines: I wonder if you can't condense a bit maybe

step down
this vigil of atonement

I'm just unsure what lifetime gives you.

Well, just some options to think about.

Best,

Todd

[mroning tide]

Hi Billy, Addy and Todd

I rewrote 'Rabbit' after starting to read Stephen Fry's 'The Ode Less Traveled'. I love writing but really have no idea about poetic convention other than what I feel is right. So when enjambment was mentioned I asked a friend what it meant and they loaned me Fry's book. So the rewrite is the result of some rudimentary understanding of poetic feet, which has perhaps constrained the language? And I'm beginning to realised just how little I understand! A good realisation to have.

[billy]

only a few select people know a lot hehe,
we're all learning and reading is one of the best things we can do.